Differences Posted at 1:02 PM 0 comments (+) I guess, a difference of one year in age can really mean a lot.

We think differently, feel different emotions at the same issue, express ourselves in different ways and we have different priorities.

All too different, but I don't want to speak.

I'm not setting out to seek approval from everyone, but recently I felt like a horrible person. And the worst thing is that, I can't stop feeling that way, can't stop making it happen. It's not about the identity crisis shit, either. It's a completely different issue.

Once in a while, I would like to just detach myself from everyone and everything in my life and just sit and think for a bit. I don't want to have to answer to anyone, I don't want to be held responsible for my actions, I don't want others questioning me. I want to be able to just do my own thing, and do nothing that I don't want to do.

Hard, isn't it?

There's actually a big part of me that wishes to just be left alone everyday. I like being alone. I don't have to wait for anyone, I don't have to take shit from anyone, I don't have to please anyone. Talking to others in explanation could become such a tiring chore sometimes, it's worse than mopping the floor.

I could walk alone. For a day, two, perhaps? Maybe a week? But I couldn't last a month. Yet, I feel that I am like a hedgehog full of spikes all over my body that I'll just prick anyone who offends me in the broadest sense of the word. Humans are always such contradictory creatures. They seek to be alone, yet cannot do without company.

And I am the same. Much as I would like to think I could stand strong on my own.

Lately, I am ruthless at dishing out sarcastic and hurtful remarks at people who provoke me. Much as I feel that they deserved it in some way, I felt kind of resentful towards myself at the end of it. So much so I almost apologised to them.

No one can really get it that when I say one spiteful sentence to someone, it doesn't mean I am going to hate that person forever and condemn him/her. The anger leaves as fast and as easily as it comes. And I would stop asking for people to understand. I think that sometimes, the best option for me is really, to just shut up.

I don't knw how I'm going to continue living my life like this. I only have 2 words: 辛苦 to describe my feelings everyday. I need to learn to shut up because others can't learn so. And if they can't step back, then I suppose I have to.

I understand, after the 3 weeks at school, why some people can be best friends, and some are just normal friends no matter how long they've known each other. It's not about the time. Not about how much you see each other or spend time with each other.

Some friends would give you everything you ever asked for in a friend, always think about you before themselves, or at least find the solution that gives both parties the most benefit. Some friends would like to just think about themselves, and you knw what, no one has the right to change that too.

Some friends would understand and give you the benefit of the doubt when they hear bad rumours about you, and tell the person off, that you're not like that at all. Some friends who eat everything up and pass the rumour on. Some friends can't give you basic respect.

It really takes two. I am no more patient with someone who can't give me 5 seconds to speak my mind. People who can't hit it off will never in 2 years, or 10.

It's disappointing sometimes. But at least after all these, I knw and feel lucky that I have friends who would do everything for me and truly care. And I also knw how to stop trying to force things to work.

It's 1.01pm on my desktop clock now. Guess it's time for chores.