I ended my 3-year stint at my job yesterday and today's Day 1 of my unemployment so I just thought I wanted to really sit down and think about things for a while. 

3 years feels like such a weird period of time; it's definitely not considered long for a job but also not all that short by my standards. Just for the sake of the record, even though I doubt I would ever forget this in my life, this was a mass redundancy exercise because the company decided to upgrade some of the existing systems and also outsource our roles. 

I have to say that I probably never imagined this would happen to me. 30, and retrenched. In my mind, retrenchment had always been something for the more mature workers to worry about. People who are older and have lost the agility to adapt to newer, more advanced technology and systems, or simply have a much steeper learning curve. Even when I was told about similar situations around me, that has happened to people around my age, I still never thought that was something that would happen to me. It's kinda like being diagnosed with some terminal illness, you know? You just never think you'll be that unlucky one. 

Until you are. 

A large part of the reason I have never really worried about such a thing is also because I'm confident in my performance at work. I have always been, if I may say so myself, an exemplary employee. I learn new things quickly, do my job well. I am fast and accurate, I don't have any issues with conduct. I am, objectively speaking, a more efficient and better worker than some of the others who get to stay. And I think that's the hardest thing about this entire "being laid off" situation for me to swallow. 

Why me? 

I've asked myself this question so many times in these last few months, and I could never figure out the answer. I don't know why. My colleagues don't know why. Everybody was surprised to find out that I had been cut. Even though management says that it's a business decision, it's really hard not to take it as some kind of a personal failure. Why me? Is it because I keep to myself and don't socialise with the others as much? Is it because my boss simply doesn't like me? There must be a reason I was chosen to leave instead of some of these other people who are not as capable. What is it? 

Of course, I will never have an answer to that, so at some point I realised I just have to take it as it is. In a way, it's really not a bad thing. The management of our team has gotten really lacklustre in the last year or so, and I had also considered leaving a few times because this place just wasn't stimulating or rewarding to be in anymore. But I didn't, because I know it would be hard for me to find another job that could pay higher, or even on par, given my qualifications or skill sets. 

I was so anxious about not having a next place to go that I actually lost sleep over it. Which also made me think about why that is because in the past, I always left my jobs with nothing lined up and I'll just chill and take a break for a few months, but now I got so anxious before even leaving this place. But anyhow, with the help of my acting manager, I did manage to land a new job. The terms are not the best but you know, a job is better than no job. (I'm still waiting to hear back from the other 2 interviews I've been to and I'm really keeping my fingers crossed for some good news soon.)

But then, that also got me thinking. I have been working for the last 6 years, and honestly I don't feel like my employability has increased at all as compared to when I first entered the job market, when I had no degree and no experience. Of course I know that's not completely true, because with every job that I change, the search gets a bit easier and more people hit back when I send a resume out, and that's definitely owing to the experience gained in these years. But then I find that I always settle so easily because I have that mindset of "a job is better than no job" and to just see how it goes. Not to mention it's such a hassle and emotionally draining to look for a job and go for interviews, so most of the time I accept a job that has okay terms without thinking about how this can add to my portfolio and my subsequent job search. The other part of the reason is also because I've been so deeply depressed in the last few years that I never plan for my life or career in the long term simply because I am convinced I will not be here in the long term, so I never actually progress even after having worked for 6 years. 

Having been working in the same place for the last 3 years, where there was great employee benefits, it felt like I have been sheltered there for a long time. I was convinced that I don't have to worry about all these things as long as I just stay there. But then as always, fate loves throwing me curveballs and I was uprooted and forced to face my mediocrity once again. Of course, I feel lost, especially when my close friends around me are progressing steadily in their careers and have even built a home for themselves. I just really am not sure where I am headed in life, or if there is any purpose for me to continue staying but... I'm trying to think of better days.

Anyway, this is all just to say that I may or may not be considering re-enrolling in school (for the third time, jesus) to change something about this, but for now I'm just thinking about it. I mean, I recognise that there is this need to upgrade myself (what have I been doing for the last 6 years?! All this time, gone!) so I've been looking into some shorter diploma courses because a degree is honestly too daunting to think about right now. It's also the fact that after so many years of never actively using my brain, my cognitive skills are so slow and my attention span is so bad that makes something like studying feel impossible for me. Even simple tasks I used to enjoy, like reading, or watching movies and dramas, are actually challenging for me now because my mind simply cannot stay focused. 

I'm clearing my leave now and I have about 5 or 6 weeks until I start my new job, and this time I have now is completely free. I don't know, I hope I spend it somewhat productively. But I am also aware and I feel that I am currently in my extremely short-lived phase where I feel productive and like I can tackle anything. I just hope this feeling stays because we know once the depressive slump hits again I'm not going to be getting anything done. 

Writing this post was also a to-do I put down on the list because I always let things just pass without really sitting down to reflect and think about what's ahead because I'm lazy and don't like to use my brain. Even writing this entry, I was distracted a few times and have to force myself to get back on track. But this is done now, and I will look into the other things I'm thinking about. Be it useful skills to learn, or planning for my Korea trip next month (!!) which is, ironically, funded by the compensation given to me for the severance. 

Honestly, it's all really amusing how a few months ago I had been planning to kill myself in August but now I'm planning my trip to Korea.

I hope the next time I write here, it would be for happier reasons. 

 Every time I try to think about what to say, my mind gets stuck on a whole flurry of words, fighting to get out, but also fighting to stay inside because I don't know what's the point of saying them. 

I just read back on my blog posts, and it stuns me how almost nothing has changed in the last few years. I'm still saying the same old shit I was saying from 4, 5 years ago. Nothing has changed. It does not get better. 

I am getting so tired of saying the same things over and over like a broken record but what else do I have other than my words? 

Yeah, I'm going through it again. Round and round and round, just like I knew I would. Like I knew that I would regret not killing myself last December. My intuition has never been wrong after all. 

So after the clusterfuck that was 2021, and everything that happened in it, I became even surer of something I'd always had a creeping suspicion about: That no matter what I do, where I go, this feeling of wanting to die is never going to go away because whatever the problem/trigger is, it is inside me. I carry it around no matter where I go. It creeps out on me with the smallest triggers. And it hurts, and hurts, and fucking hurts. 

I feel so trapped in this life. Whenever I stop and try to think about my future, I just feel even more defeated. 

I wrote this in one of my entries here a few years ago: "There is nothing left in this life for me. No matter how many different avenues I try to explore, try to postulate, create a mental flow chart of If A, then B, it never ends anywhere I think I might want to be. It never even goes anywhere." and I think it's just sad that now, more than 5 years after I wrote this, it still rings true. 

The realities of life were never something I can overcome with simply a positive mindset. It slaps me right back in place and makes sure I never forget it. 

 Everyday I wonder whether people want me around. 

When I send a text and get left me on read. Am I being annoying? When I publish something on my art account and lose followers. Ah, was that not as good as my past works? When someone asks me how I am, but don't really care about my reply. So, they actually don't care about me?

And because of that, I find that a lot of times I hesitate on sharing personal things with others, because I feel like nobody cares to know these things about me anyway. Because it was the countless times of being ignored and being talked over that showed me so. People keep telling me they care and they want me around then go on to show me the exact opposite of that. It makes me not know what to feel.

It's just. I just feel like there's no place for me in this world. Wherever I go, I can't seem to fit in. I try so hard, sometimes I people-please to get into people's inner circles, but doing so takes so much out of me so it's hard for me to keep that up, and so eventually, I fade out into the background. 

I just feel so invisible sometimes. Like if I never spoke again the world would simply forget about me and move right on. Sometimes I feel like that's what I want, other times I feel incredibly left out and it makes me feel bad about myself. Nobody really needs me around. 

It's funny because I feel like all I ever wanted was to be special to somebody, a priority, someone they will always favour and take the side of. But I get insanely afraid and wildly averse to people getting too close.

God, I can't believe I have been alive for nearly three decades on this earth. What a waste.

I don't know how to keep living in a world where I'm not wanted.

 看到其他人可以那么不费功夫的和不是太熟的人谈天说地, 说真的很羡慕. 非常非常. 

在别人眼里的我 "不会做人", "不近人情" 

其实真的真的不是这样的 

但我已经不懂得怎么去迎合别人, 怎么柔软, 怎么善良, 怎么让心仍然敞开. 除了紧紧地防卫我真的已经什么都不会了.

I have nothing to show for this life.

I have nothing to call mine. 

These days I'm always bursting with things to say, but at the same time I never really want to say anything to anyone. 

The best and worst part, I think, is that either way nobody cares. 

If you did not share the fancy meal you ate on your Instagram story then did you even eat it?

If nobody cares about you then do you even exist?

 They say no man is an island but 

    it sure feels like it