Music starts playing like the end of a sad movie, Posted at 11:40 PM 0 comments (+)
It's been a hell of a week.
Once again, TGIF, and that I survived till now.

I feel absolutely vulnerable in the past week. In the emotional sense. It's like anyone, or anything, words or actions can just break me. It's not just in my head, the thoughts have overwhelmed me completely. Most of the week, I was quieter than usual. It feels terrible to keep things to myself, but I am so uncertain of what I can actually say, and to who.

I haven't been doing work consistently for this week too because I was just too affected by people who are apparently not worth it.

I used to be really unafraid to speak my mind. But now, I feel that I should have been. It might have saved me lots of misunderstandings to explain for, which I am really too tired of trying to explain. You knw how when you're playing a game like "Pass the Message", somehow the final message given will differ in different extents compared to the initial message? That's how things work. With every person down the gossip chain, the story changes bit by bit. And by the time it reaches the end of the line, it is not even be the same anymore.

I am so afraid of who I can tell the things that are bothering the most. I am so afraid that the message is going to get distorted and sound different altogether again. And this is so tiring.

I feel completely maligned, and perhaps betrayed. But I must say, it doesn't even matter now. It tells me a lot about you, and what all these years meant to you. I have nothing to say in my defense, because as I said, there is no point. You never cared about getting the full story, or even trusting what I said. So if you just want to bask in your self-righteousness and think that I should be the one apologising to you, or feeling sorry that I lost you, then you can go ahead and lose me.

Just that perhaps you might like to drop the pretense because all I feel when I see you now is disgust. I don't even care that you might read this, or someone might tell you I wrote this. I don't even care that you might go and tell your whole family about how horrible I had been to you and how they might start casting me unfriendly looks whenever they lay eyes on me. You should think about how horrible you've been to me. And be true to yourself, and stop telling people you treated me with most respect and concern for a friend.

I was retarded to have bothered in the first place. You are simply not worth it.

You should really feel very honoured because you spoilt my whole damned week. I was so low and so emotional the whole bloody week all thanks to you. This shows I still care, and treasure our friendship. But this fact is changing.

I've never felt so truly alone, and out of place this week. When Sharman was absent for training on Monday, I felt like every minute was eternity. The week was like five lifetimes in duration. I honestly thought that it was going to be the end of me.

You knw what, you don't even need to be friends for a long time. You don't need to be friends who hang out all the time either. You just need to genuinely treat me like a friend you don't want to lose. In this week, there's been people texting me to tell me that they haven't talked to me for a long time and they missed me. I thank them for showing me that the care about me. Without having to knw that I am not okay. Without having to see my expressionless face to knw the week sucked. A random text like this showed me that I crossed their minds today and they wondered how I am.

Wenyi concluded that everyone is self-centered. And I guess I agree with it to a large part. Some people really can't give shit to anyone but themselves. But I have friends who put me before themselves, and are constantly in pace with my needs, and I am thankful for that. I don't ask for a lot. I don't ask for more than I could give.

Until now, my heart still feels like a huge cavern that cannot be filled no matter how much words of comfort people try to put in to patch up the hole. I have no idea what to do about it either. This week, I'd been so emotionally vulnerable and I hate that feeling. It's indescribable.

I can't find apt enough words to tell you the great feeling of hopelessness I felt for my life in the past week. For once more of the millionth time this week, I wished you thought more about me and showed me that I mattered enough to you.