Lies Posted at 11:27 PM 0 comments (+)
I don't believe this crazy shit is happening to me. Again. What did I even do wrong? The worst thing that can really happen is when those closest to you and see you everyday not believe in you.

I feel utterly let down. I don't knw what is happening.

Why does everyone around me just assumes all the time that when something fucks up, it has to be my fault? Didn't they say it takes two hands to clap? So why am I made to shoulder this blame alone? Especially when I didn't even do anything?

I thought things were starting to look up. But this matter crashed on me so hard I felt it impossible to carry on acting like nothing happened. Like I have moved on out from the pain and it's really okay now. I defended myself so fiercely. So much so that my head started to pound, my voice started to tremble, my eyes started to sting.

Now, I don't knw why I did that for. Since everyone is just going to assume that it's my fault again, and not even bothering to find out the other side of the story before pointing their fingers at me. Why do I even try? It's like this to everyone I try to tell. I can see none of them are really concerned, because this matter doesn't affect them at all. I should not feel upset.

It takes so much for me to try and be okay. Especially when now it feels like it is really going to be okay, I find that it isn't. I feel like I am living in a lie. All this time, all I'm trying to do, all that I believed in and assured myself, are all lies. Things are often not as simple as you think it, it isn't the least bit alright to drop it and walk on.

And why should it be? When I placed all my trust that it will turn out fine. I really don't knw why you have to be like this. You are the one who doesn't knw a thing. Just because I am a minor doesn't mean that my thoughts are unworthy. I believe I am old enough to see how ugly the world really is, I knw what will happen if I do or don't do something. I need no teaching, especially from you, who don't knw anything.

You are really the one who doesn't knw how much I am hurting. Why didn't you just stop for a second and think why did I not come bawling to you when this matter happened and instead kept it to myself? It is not because I have something to hide. I thought I could handle it, and it would be very juvenile indeed to cry for help for every little thing that goes wrong. Why didn't you stop to think in my POV how it all felt for a second? How I dealt with it single-handedly? What it actually meant to me? If you don't knw anything, at least lay off on your nasty comments which serve no purpose but to tear me down.

I would bet that if this situation was reversed and I was in that other pair of shoes, you wouldn't really give a shit to me anyway.

Why did you have to do this?
Things are never going to be okay between you and me. And nobody should again, tell me how wasted it is and shit. There is nothing I need in this anymore.

Life can be so depressing, so scary and intimidating sometimes. Especially when you can't seem to find that one person who can actually empathise with you, the one who understands, and no matter what, stand by you. I don't knw what you expect me to do and feel.

Would somebody please understand?

I am independent.
I can be strong.
I don't need pity, nor need I force your understanding.

But I am human.
I am a girl.
I am weak sometimes.
I need reassurances.
I need understanding.
I need trust.
I need to feel like I mean something to you.

My heart is an empty cavern.