Pain Posted at 11:38 PM 0 comments (+)

I wish too. But I could wish till the world stops turning, and it wouldn't change a thing.

--Perfect Match, Jodi Picoult

Tonight I don't feel like sleeping. Well, I did what I wanted to. I sorted out my thoughts, I surfed Tumblr for everything that suits my mood to reblog, and I formulated a blog entry here. But I still don't feel like sleeping.

My body is fatigue-ridden, but my mind is wide awake. Alert and thinking. Running into overdrive with thoughts that are flooding my mind.

I thought I reached a revelation today while talking to people about the things which screwed up recently. I thought I got a new conclusion out of something which seems to have closed since a month ago. I was filled with.. New resolve? Hope? Just to have it slap me back squarely in the face.

Do you knw how much it takes for me to type all this up? Do you knw how many times I have typed up a text, but saved it as a draft and eventually deleted it, unread? Do you knw how much strength it takes for me to finally press 'send'? Do you knw how tough it is to keep myself in control and together, while waiting for a verdict?

I have already lost control.
In exchange for nothing. Just a kick in my pride, the pride I have already thrown on the floor for you.

You're the one who knws what you want. I'm the one who doesn't. And apparently, it has shown that the one who is unsure will not win this tug-of-war. I listened to her to not let pride and ego get in the way, that it might not even matter that the feelings are not given in equal proportions. All that I got for deciding to be true to myself for once and to fight for what I want to keep, is just this, nothingness.

I ask myself countless questions almost every night. I never get answers for them. Yet, I ask myself the same questions, again and again. As if asking myself these questions for 10 times, 100 times would miraculously give me an answer. Now that I asked the question that I cannot answer to you, I cannot say I have expected that your reply would be like this.

Did you realise you could, that you have the power to set things straight? That everything is within your control, including half my world?
But you don't care for that power.

I have overestimated your love for me. So where did all of that go?
But for one thing you were right about, it is much easier to go to sleep and ignore this.


Please stop this pain tonight.