Fragile Posted at 11:44 PM 0 comments (+)
I'd wanted to post a few of the photos taken during the school's National Day celebrations during Friday since I haven't updated for awhile.. But I couldn't find a way to post it here without it becoming unclear when I resize it, so I kind of cannot be bothered anymore.

I went to read some things just now on the net and somehow found myself thinking about a lot of stuff.

You see, even as I am typing this sentence I am carefully selecting and censoring my words appropriately such that my initial thoughts and ideas would be twisted to the extent that you won't really knw what I'm getting at exactly. I've been doing this for very long, and I have to say sometimes I really hate it that I cannot even say exactly what I want in this space supposed to be my own.

As I read your words then, I was momentarily filled with envy for you. That despite you are going through all these same things as I, you're never afraid to present them openly. I envy that you're not afraid of being judged by others, of being talked about, of admitting that you're weak like everyone else, that you will be okay eventually. Thank you for showing me what I've been doing all these while.

But still, I am not going to start to pour my heart out here. Because I am afraid, of being judged, of people talking about me, and mostly, of admitting that I am weak. Enough things changed that the fact that I am as weak as everyone else became plain as day to myself. And I cannot bear that thought.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that people always think I'll be okay on my own in the end because I am supposed to be strong. I hate it that they can just forgo giving a damn about me because they simply don't have to. They knw I won't do silly things to myself or go completely out of control. But I hate it that they don't give me a chance to be weak and reliant for a bit. Then I realised I am doing exactly the same thing to myself.

So I just thought that, okay, maybe just once in awhile, it's alright? Maybe I don't exactly have to force myself to suppress every single thread of thought from my mind? Maybe I can just sit down for awhile and bask in it, maybe just a bit so that I don't completely lose myself all over again?

She told me that even though she appeared to be outwardly sociable and largely up for anything and everything, she was so insecure like everybody else. Everybody is so insecure. Some just hide it better than others. Some learn to deal with it. Some let it become their life.

It is so funny that after everything, we are ultimately all the same.
I find it so mocking that I am actually no better.

Never let them knw it hurts.