Keep breathing Posted at 2:52 PM 0 comments (+)
I gain strength from knowing that there are people who try to understand me and believe in me and my willpower. Even when I don't. She's right, you knw? They are all right. I am so much stronger than all the other girls. I am so average, but so much stronger. If everyone else can do it, so can I, and much faster, much better.

You knw? I knw everything.. All that you've said to me. All that they've said to me. I knw it all, and a million times over. It's the same wherever I go, whatever I say, to whoever. Nobody ever surprises me with new things, because that's just all there is to it really. And I really knw it. I just wished I had your courage to write whatever you want to write. But I don't. There are too many considerations.. I've not empowered you, but you have to me. Keep being that way, because I derive my strength from you.

It's like me against the world, against all my close friends who knw of the struggle. Not a single person tells me what I want to hear, and my mind agrees with them. But my heart doesn't. And what can I do? We've been through it all, cycle after cycle, loop after loop. I knw what they are going to tell me before they even say it, and I knw they are right. All that hurt and sadness was on replay, until I stopped it. Nothing is worst than knwing that you mean absolutely nothing to the person who means everything to you. But what the fuck? That's life right? And life is when you fight but still lose, wish but don't get and all the shit that people say. So no need for me to whine about it.

I remember the initial determination, I remember how my resolve slowly cracked, I remember how I caved in to my emotions, I will remember this long struggle, but I knw I am going to be fine. I remember everything, every little detail from the beginning to the end, and till now. I have so much evidence and proof everywhere for everything that I remember that it is hard to forget. Maybe all these, to me, is a sign that everything was real and had been worth it. That I hadn't made up any part of it. And that is enough, for me.

It always feels like a joke when all those around me are impacted by my pain, or the things I do in my foolishness in my pain. But the one who should isn't. But like you said, it's good that at least we're feeling pain. At least I knw I'm still alive. And I'm not even finding it hard to get by everyday anymore. I've had enough with grappling around with facts that are never going to change, and messing up my own sanity with all the nonsense. Especially when nobody else really cares. This will be the last time. Because I'd been silently struggling for too long, and after this I will rid my mind of unnecessary thoughts and focus on my promos.

Maybe I wasn’t asking you to love me, maybe I was asking you to understand, because for so long I’ve been hurt and for so long you’ve ignored it, and maybe it is bad timing, but maybe, I don’t care. I’ve been here all along, just waiting, waiting for you to notice, waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you’ve been waiting too, and you haven’t and maybe you never will or maybe you’re afraid to. But it all hurts the same, and in the end, I’m the one that’s left broken and when I lay down to sleep, I’m still the one crying, so screw the bad timing. I’ve loved you then, like I love you now, like I probably always will.

--p.heartache

At least for awhile more to come.

The reason I always hold back from writing what I really want to is because I am afraid of people judging, and I don't want to look like a lousy whining weakling about something that is passe and used-to-be. Because the whole fucking world thinks that I'm strong. And the one I talk about reads. Or maybe not anymore. You see? Hell many considerations. There had been insensitive assholes coming around here and poking really tactless questions at me. But screw it, heartbreak is a human condition, some just hide it better than others but we are all the same. All these shows me that I have given my everything and hurting is normal and completely acceptable.

Zoe says: "Hurt hurt lo, pain pain lo, cry cry lo, alone alone lo, old virgin old virgin lo. That guy is probably not going to feel your pain and maybe he's like watching youtube, tvee, hanging out, living his life to the fullest or something.
Then why are we like that!"

Ya. I knw, I knw all that. That's why I always feel stupid what haha.

How good speaking the truth feels, for a change. I am going to study now, and hopefully it carries some therapeutic effects for me, lol. Joke. I feel fine, seriously. Things have been this way for a long while, so not like I have hopes that it would change. And really, what more do I have to lose?

To friends who've heard me talk way too much about this, seen me sian way too many times, and stuck by me giving me strength and advice (even though I knw all of them alr LOL), my sincerest thanks.

For this one time I am being completely true, be kind.

Till 17th September.
I will be fine.