Posted at 2:47 AM 0 comments (+) I am really not asking for any attention, not any care and concern. I just want to write it somewhere. I don't knw if it's the time of the month + the time of the night + happenings of late that I'm really feeling very very horrible now.

It's 2am and I don't knw why the tears can't stop coming. My nose is completely blocked. I can't breathe. My head is throbbing so badly. But I don't want to just sleep it away. The sadness just comes wave after wave, and it keeps bringing me down. I don't knw what to do and what to say if my dad comes out of the room now and sees me in this state.

Will I really, ever be good enough? Really? For what? I don't even knw. But is there going to be a day when I look in the mirror and I don't think "I am so ugly. Why am I so ugly." Is there going to be a day I stop feeling guilty or bad after I flare up at others, when I can just stop flaring up altogether? Is there I day I don't open my eyes in the morning and go "It's another mundane day. I hate life." When can I start.. I don't even knw.

Maybe it's bad timing. Maybe it's because I don't have all my friends around me now. Whenever I feel upset, I don't dare to text because I don't want to disturb them from studying just to entertain my silly nonsense. I've learnt to do everything alone, and I can say truthfully that I enjoy being alone. But sometimes everything just gets so hard to deal with.

Sometimes I just think that I am so stupid and idiotic for trying so hard every time when they don't even appreciate it. Sometimes I feel horrible about myself, I am so horrible. The truth is that, we are different, and they don't need me. I am still hopelessly trying to cling on to however little they can still offer me at this time. But it is not reciprocated, because they don't need me.

After everything, all my rants and complaints, the tears even (why the fuck am I even crying for?!), leaves the plain truth. Painful, and real. I want to be good enough. I want to be good at something. I want to be wanted and feel important. I want to be confident like all of you think I am. But I am just not. And I can't do anything about that. I can't just start thinking I'm great, I'm fine. I don't knw man. I don't knw anything, really.

Will you ever understand all my pain and insecurities, behind my steely front and confident disposition. Will you?

I only want such simple things. Will this shit be over soon? Please? I feel like I am slowly dying everyday. I wake up to nothing, have nothing to look forward to, and I pass everyday like nothing. I knw I have to be understanding. Do you knw how hard that is?

I am okay. I will be. I definitely will. I feel better already, in fact. Don't worry about me.
I am Superwoman.... right?

I am someone who gets oddly touched that I had to fight my tears from ruining my eyeliner, listening to the wedding speech of the bride's childhood friends talking about her as they knw her, because at that instant, I had an image of Sharman and I doing each others' wedding speeches, 10 years from now. I would sing for her 一个像夏天一个像秋天 while making her cry. I get tearful, when after a long and hard day at work, I receive messages of concern from Sweecheng and Shixian, telling me they are here for me and to take care on my way home. I love Josephine and Kexin for listening to me and telling me their random happenings in the day. I feel happy whenever I flip open my phone and I see Wenyi's text, saying "Mother goose, today's paper was manageable but everyone else found it easier!" I feel wanted and loved when Seychee says "Superwoman jiayou jiayou!" or Tracy texts just to tell me "I saw your Magic at the library!" I feel important when Sylvia tries so hard to make me come on their Genting trip. I feel especially fortunate that Vincent is always listening to my nonsense, even when he doesn't understand why, and he always tries to make me feel better, like the time I quarelled with the girls, like tonight.

I knw that I am so loved. But I see so little of it sometimes when I just feel like the world's most unwanted trash.

Little things go a long way, my friends. And if anything, all you people have to knw is that, I love all of you. Even when we just had a fight, even when I'm complaining about some things you do, even when you piss me off. I love all of you.

I'd better stop crying if I'm thinking of getting sleep tonight.