Life. Posted at 2:51 PM 0 comments (+) Life had been a whirlwind of hectic days and weeks rushing by, forcing myself to be more focused than I was yesterday, pushing myself to be more disciplined and fight against my fatigue and procrastination. I'd really like to just lie around and wait for things to happen, but if I lie around, nothing is going to happen. I knw it so well.

Sometimes I feel like this life is slowly draining me of positivity (not that I had much to begin with...) and desensitizing me to many things that are actually going on around me. But I cannot fight this, because I need to press on.

In the last weekend, I visited the NUS open house. Suddenly, I understood what Josephine had said about not knwing that to do with life. Options are one thing, capabilities another, but am I good enough for it? Do I knw what that does and where it'll take me? Am I sure this is what I will never question myself for in the future? I never want to ask myself "Why?" again, like I have now, every so often.

I am trying to become better. In academics, in CCA and in as many aspects of my life as I can possibly be. I need to be in total self-control. On Wednesday, I wanted to leave floorball for good. But whenever I see the whole team fighting hard together, joking and laughing and having a good time together, I cannot bring myself to leave. Strangely enough, it's been a new batch of people and I am not in the least bit closer to them, it remains a team I love. This is going to be a long and hard journey for me, but it is also the home stretch of my life as an offensive defender on court. 2 more months, I'm going to grumble and whine and be unhappy sometimes, but I am going to pull through.

Yesterday's training felt good and to some extent, accomplishing, even though I still could not juggle the ball after 2 years of playing floorball. It is the certainty, the unquestioning nature that I belong there that puts me at peace. Gym session with Sharman at night was good too. Running away on the treadmill, talking about university admissions, courses, requirements, friends, life. Much needed, I have to say.

People are moving on, slowly but definitely. I am not trying to pull them back anymore. The truth is that I am still here, and before I break out of this place, I cannot be anywhere near them, and nothing will ever be enough to reign them closer in. We are leading different lives, and I accept it. Though of course, some people remain close and I think they will never stray once we've pulled through this.

Many random thoughts floating around, but I better get back to redoing my lines/planes tutorial. I am all set for clearing as much backlog as I can this holidays, and for once, it is not just going to be talk.