Lost. Posted at 3:07 AM 0 comments (+) It's 2.50am. I am just done with my Correlation & Regression tutorial which I promised myself I would finish what's due tmr by hook or by crook, tonight. And also, trying but failing at downloading some YouTube videos on basic floorball techniques for the IDP tmr. Now I can only pray that it doesn't rain in the afternoon tmr.

I feel slightly tired, but I feel like I want to make use of the time now before I completely collapse or lose consciousness to do some work. There's yet another organic chem test coming up next Monday, and honestly I don't want to fail again. It's not so much that I think failing is bad or it reflects that I haven't been conscientious in my work (Of course I knw I haven't been, I don't need a test to tell me that), or anything along those lines, but more like I want to stop letting people down.

There are 3 people who constantly encourage me whenever I may complain about my backlog or workload or how I never understand anything. A teacher, and 2 friends. I really want to stop letting them down. Simply because they never stopped believing that I can. It is not anybody's responsibility to remind me that I can't sit around and let myself and my grades rot and that it is time to do something about it. Nobody needs to tell me to start small, start somewhere, get it over day by day, focus bit by bit. I should really stop disappointing them.

I am so plagued by all my backlog which I have no idea what to do about. I can't call for help, because I knw nobody can help me other than myself, so why make another person worry for me right? I seriously, sincerely, want to begin doing my homework but all these backlog are pulling me back. I am so clueless about these topics that I go crazy in the tutorials when the teachers start to talk about them.

I don't knw where to start.

Looking back on the years, I really wonder where did all of my capability and time management disappear to. I am now slowly trying to push myself back up to where I used to be, and not just academically. I always knew sacrifices were necessary, and I always knew it's not because I can't but because I don't want to. Well, I knw that I will never really get back there for a fact, but at least, I want to stop feeling so utterly useless.

I knw exactly where I want to be, I just don't knw how I'm going to get there.

But for now, sleep. I knw I will cui for lessons tmr, especially with PE first thing in the morning which always throws me into a drowsy spell afterward, then there's IDP and training following that. Whatever it is, I need to focus because I can.