My first CIP (31/5) involving such close interaction with kids, and when I realised the limitless energy that kids have, their inquisitiveness and so much more. When I was already so tired halfway through the day but they were still so fueled by adrenalin, always shaking their heads whenever I asked if they felt tired and needed rest. When they aasked me questions about every little thing, big and small, until I felt like I was going crazy for a bit. When we had already played a good 20 minutes or so of catching, of which they would insist I be the catcher, and I absolutely needed to stop and catch my breath, they were still running away and dodging my grasp ever so efficiently..

Gosh. I am getting old.

Still, it was a fun and meaningful CIP. And I also managed to discover a lot more about myself and kids in general, and how times have changed. When I asked what they wanted me to buy for them, and I meant candies or stationery, everything they were asking for were iPhone! iPad! And I really wondered what do they want such high-tech stuff for when they are only about 10 years old. Times have changed but I am comforted that they at least still take joy in playing catching instead of the PSP or something...

Anyway, so it's already well into the third week of the June holidays now. And no, I have not been studying effectively. No matter how many pep talks and lectures I give myself, how much I write in my makeshift diary about wanting to be all that, how many daily plans I make and resolve to make it work every night before I sleep, it doesn't work. But soon, I am going to carry out some radical course of action. To achieve results, some sacrifices will have to be made. Even if I screw MYEs this time round, I am still going to do it. This is the only way I am going to get over myself. I know this so clearly.

Also, feeling so smothered by all the studying I have to do, yet I'm not doing. There are so many things that I want to do, once I break out of this place. On the top of my list, and most cost-saving and fulfilling of all, is really to sit at home, or at Starbucks, or somewhere, anywhere, just reading and reading all the books I ever wanted to read. Without having to feel guilty, or waste precious studying time.

I cannot wait until I have to earn my own keep and the day I hand the first $100 from my paycheck to both my parents. The day I can stop taking money from them. The day I learn to be responsible and stop spending money like it's free and know that I need to save up. I need to hang out with people I love for as long and as often as I wanted, go to the beach and roll in the sand and sun for a bit, sing and dance (even though I cannot dance), learn how to cook all the delicious homemade goodness from my mum, really clean up the house properly, design my own bedroom, travel with my friends and it doesn't even need to be any far exotic land, and so much more that I simply do not have time, nor the means to for now.

My house is so messy. And my mum is complaining more and more often, more like on a daily basis, how old she is now and how easily tired she feels. So I am taking charge of more and more of the household chores. Even though I still feel rather sian and everything from having to do so much, and I do complain a lot, I know that it is my responsibility anyhow because I will only grow stronger while my parents will only grow weaker, and true enough there will come a day when I have to take over my dad's job of washing all the fans around the house because it will not be safe for him to climb up on a stool to detach the fan covers and blades anymore. Looking at all the shelves around the house, I realise how much they lack maintenance and how much stuff should be thrown out but nobody has the time to sort through them at all.

This place is only a physical boundary keeping me from doing all these things that I want to do.

There's only about 4.5 months left till the beginning of A's. And much as I am willing that time to come quickly, come tomorrow, I know I am not prepared. And I cannot get over and ahead of myself if I am not well prepared.

This idea is pretty intimidating, I'll admit. But I am going to do it anyhow.

No other way out.

Life is pretty intimidating, sometimes.