Changes? Posted at 3:28 AM 0 comments (+)

"Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different."

While trying to finish my CSE case study this afternoon, I got distracted (as usual) and went around in search of old memories in dusty cyberspaces that nobody visits anymore.. Always surprises me what I can find.

How much things have changed in the span of these 6 years.

Maybe nobody even realises, or misses the way things used to be. I do, but only from time to time. Thinking back, I don't really know when did the changes begin, I don't even know when was it that things and people started to be different, become strange and unfamiliar. I sure don't think anybody saw it coming.

A few days ago, I deleted the old RVTT blog for good. Well, probably because that is already a past tense for me now, maybe because towards the end of my stay the experiences were really just a load of bad memories, or maybe because all those things don't even mean anything to me anymore now. I don't know anybody in it anymore, people in it don't know me at all, and they never will. I've totally cut off connections with anybody still within the CCA. So what does anything related to that mean to me anymore?

I wanted to delete the old 2C blog on the same day too, but that place still holds a little too many words that mean a little more of what used to be, to me. Funny how reading back on the words written a good 4 years ago, it describes so aptly what we are all experiencing now. Friends you once shared so much with and thought the feelings will never change, still did. Now they are all nothing but a few Hellos and Goodbyes, or an awkward smile every now and then, remembering the days things used to be a certain way, the times somebody meant absolutely everything to you, and now everything is just nothing.

So much so that I don't even feel like I want to take anything back, so much so that I am not even upset. Nostalgic, slightly. But not upset.

Suddenly as we grow older, we all realise that everybody has their own lives to live and their own things to do. Not many really stick around for too long. Promises we've once spoken with so much conviction suddenly lost all its meaning you wonder why you even made that promise in the first place.

With you, I wonder when did everything begin to change.

Reading back, I could see when I started to fade out of your life. You mentioned me less, and the names of more and more others came in more often. Different priorities, different social circles were just a few of the many things standing in our way. So when did things start to change and head for a totally different course from where we were planning to go, together?

A silly smile was playing on my lips when I read those words. Then as days, months, years went by, I guess I just disappeared. I guess we just let each other slip further and further down our list of priorities. I remembered how things are like now, and immediately felt a taste of bitterness where the smile had been.

Some things we thought were forever. Of all the things life hurls at us, falling in and out of love, making and losing friends, successes and failures. Of everything, I once thought with so much conviction that we were forever. After all, we have had each other a majority of our living years, haven't we?

"Time flies? Probably."
I am already 19.

And those times back from my 14 and 15 year old self, they will never come back.
Times when we were all rushing against time, burning our midnights away completing the countless projects from school. Times when I ran around to your place every so often to get something done. Times when we sat down talking about how life would be when we grew older. Do you remember what we talked about? Is now like what we talked about?

I guess both of us never saw this coming.
Still, thanks for fighting for me for so long. Until we had to fall apart.

Somebody once said to me, while I was still trying to break out of what was left of my last love, that all the pain I am feeling then, as I look back on it years from now, will just be another silly memory for me to laugh about and I'd be wondering why I ever got so hung up over such a small issue.

I guess I am living that right now.