Just what the bloody fuck.

I really cannot believe myself sometimes. I am already freaking 19 years old, yet I remain so immature, so ill-disciplined, so... lazy. We all went through 12 years of studying, and then I went one more than others all because of my bad self-discipline, all for this battle I am going to fight in about 4 months. And now I can foresee that I am going to lose again, because of the same self-discipline problem.

What the fuck do I think I am doing?

I tried everything, really. No matter how many times I scolded myself this holidays (I even slap myself sometimes okay), how much I try to force myself sometimes, nothing works. I still give up too easily, I back away at the first signs of trouble, I don't know everything at all. So little time, yet I am still wasting time.

I already lost one year. I should have been graduated by now. I should have already earned a few thousands from my job. I should be going for orientation camps and waiting for uni to start already. I might not have lost you. Might not.

Fuck self-pitying.

Zilie told me to give up on calculus and focus on topics I am good at for math. And read through tuition notes for econs. And read through CSE. And take Thursday for chem.

I need to do something for all I have traded in for this 1 year.