Last 3 days to my first paper for MYEs, and I am so fucked. I feel so insecure for all the papers, and it's not just because I am not prepared. Thinking about the way things are going to continue on until A levels just freaks me out. None of our subject teachers are very reliable, to say the truth. So who can I rely on?

I know that I am already too late to make any difference to my results for the looming MYEs. I know that all I am studying now, I am doing it for Prelims/A levels. Yet, the idea of failing badly for MYEs, despite not putting in any effort, is just very disconcerting. Obviously, I cannot sit and just fail, but really, I cannot change anything for this MYEs already. It's too late.

Well, actually I might not have cared so much for failing this time round if not for a few things. The teachers are going to continue thinking I am a flop, and not going to do anything useful with my life. My parents are going to think I'm just wasting their money going for tuition and it's not changing anything. I know, I know. I know that this little mid-year examinations is nothing compared to the actual A levels. I know I can still do well if I stop being such a lazy idiot and bumming around everyday. But will this stop anybody from giving me a lecture? Will this make them stop thinking I am fooling around?

Okay, okay, to be perfectly honest, I suppose I am fooling around. You know the inertia for me to start on a subject I am absolutely horrible at is HUGE. And when I actually do start, then I almost immediately bang into a wall, it just knocks all the fight out of me. I just want to give up. It really doesn't help when some of my teachers are not making an effort as well.

What if I just can't pick myself up? I keep saying I am going to make it work. I know exactly where I want to be and I keep saying that I can still do it. But what if I just can't? If my drive for this exams is any indication, I am pretty much fucked for A levels as well. There's just about a bit more than 4 months to go. Too short for me to confidently grasp everything within the syllabus, too long for me to have to hold out here and survive. I keep thinking about where I want to be, what I want to do. But it lasts me only awhile. It's been years, and this keeps repeating and repeating.

I have yet to perform any miracles. But I don't want to have any regrets this time next year, or ever, when I look back.

I really really need sleep, for a start.

I feel like I am slowly dying.