I initially thought I didn't have anything to write about but aha, the moment I come over here and try to write something more than a few lines, I find that there's so much trying to burst out from within me but I really don't know how to put them into coherent paragraphs..

Time is passing so quickly. So quickly I can't grab hold of anything. I realised as the years went by, I grew more and more accustomed to failures and not knowing many things that so many times, I give up before even trying. Sometimes now, it isn't about 我不会 but rather 我不愿意. I grew so jaded and numbed of everything.

Whenever I see our lower sec juniors having some crazy fun, doing headstands in the field, singing so loudly like nobody is looking, I'd be thinking "Ah, I'll see if you have such energy 5 years later, boy." Urgh, because I don't.

Everyday, I seem to only have so much energy to drag myself to school, stay awake during lessons, and then drag myself back home again. What is life now, absolutely meaningless. Ah, don't know what I'm doing everyday. I don't even feel sick and tired of this, I don't even feel anything at all. Just... like this. Programmed to do this thing at this time and not feeling anything.

All suffocated by the need to excel. Expectations from ourselves and others. Can't wait for the freedom that seems so welcoming upon liberation. Frustrated at myself that I am ever so disappointing.

I never used to be so useless. I used to be a fighter. I used to be really hardworking. I used to want to do so much. I used to be able to do so much.

I really hate myself at times like this. I always allow myself to cave in.

When I never used to be like this.

Sometimes I really want to just throw everything away for a little while and just bask in my own loneliness and helplessness and pain for a little while.