I am numbed and jaded. Drowned in my numerous to-do lists and never getting around to finishing them, fighting against my strong and dominant lazy half, trying to fulfill all of these things I am really supposed to be. I just realised that at the end of all this, my heart is but an empty cavern.

Things and people really change, and faster than anticipated. It has always been the case, but we never learnt to live in the moment. We never learn anything until it's too late. All these people who used to be my everything are becoming nothing, less than nothing even. I look at their familiar smiling faces on Facebook, but at the same time, I'm unable to recognise the same smiling stranger.

It's been awhile now. I should really have gotten used to this. People move on because that's just how life works. Times when I feel fine and not overwhelmed that everything and everybody around me is becoming more and more unfamiliar and distant is when I tune myself out and allow my body to auto-pilot through the routine of my days, unthinking and unfeeling. It's not difficult. In fact, it's harder to try to remain alive and thinking and feeling everything through the rush of what is my life now.

I am afraid.

I know that from the moment, nearly 2 years ago, when I first made this decision.. I already knew before I even spoke the words to the school, that I am going to eventually lose everything. I already know, but still I willed it not to happen. Time passes, and people change. And slowly, one by one, I saw it unfolding messily. Nobody can defy the forces of life, afterall.

Maybe what hurts more is that... Nobody really tried to defy anything at all. Just like me. Everybody went along with the flow to where life next takes them, to a new, exciting and unexplored place with unexplored people. New faces with new stories. Nobody really has time to reminisce and catch up on memories, an old friend, shared laughters, old scars.

I am afraid and I am really, really sad.

All of you who used to be my everything. One by one I begin to not be able to recognise any of you. And this is scaring me. A lot.

I am not usually needy or wimpy or insecure like this. Or maybe that's just me choosing not to care instead. I don't really know, I don't know what I can do to stop feeling afraid. Of course, not just about everybody changing but also about what I have to fight but I am already strengthless, not even halfway into the battle. I don't know anything, I don't know what I even know at all.

Everybody has their own life to live, and I am no different. But I hate this. I know, I know. All of you who just last year, were where I am right now. I know that I have no choice but to press on and on and on. And even when I want to break down on the floor and cry, or give up altogether, I still I still have to press on. Because really, what else did I expect I could do? There's nothing.

But do you know?

It's so easy to say it. It doesn't take any effort to say it. But it is so damned hard to do it. I am trying but failing everyday and I am more than ashamed with myself. I am frustrated and I hate myself being so useless and so fucking weak.

I am guilty too that I used to throw those words around so often at all of you last year, when it was your turn. Because sincerely, I want to punch anybody saying such things to me now. I want to scream at them that, NO I CAN'T OR MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

But at the end of the day. All I can manage instead is a weak "Thanks." It's not anybody's fault that I am so weak. But I am really already strengthless. Before I even began.

Usually this goes away when I am drowning myself in the notes of a sad song, celebrating my pain and just allowing all the sadness to explode itself away. Today, it only made my empty heart emptier. I am tired of fighting. I want to lie down and rest, and not have to feel angry at myself for wasting yet another day.

You know? When I see you guys, Class of 2010 posting on Facebook, or writing in your blogs how you miss going to school and how much you hate your life now. I'm thinking of how much I miss seeing everyone around school, the familiar faces with the same company, whether I knew you personally or not. And how much I hate my life now.

But I must remind myself that I sealed my own fate.

Nearly 2 years ago.

And also, few people are worth my wait anymore.