There are so manymanymany things I want to do after A levels. So many lessons I want to take up, new things I want to learn, so many things I want to do. Or maybe just bum around all day without having to feel guilty.. But above all, I want to live my dream. It's something I've always wanted to do since I was a kid, but I gave it up when I grew up and realised how impractical such a dream was.

Still, I want to be the closest I can possibly be to it. I want to live it, even if I fail I want to know that I tried.

Lately, I really hate my life. I keep wondering why this can't already be over. Then I realise how fucked I'd be if it were really over. I hate everyone silently whenever they tell me I need to try, I need to start, I can do it, I this, I that. But I hate myself the most of all. I hate my life right now. I hate how weak and how lazy I allowed myself to become. ALLOWED. I hate how I know I already don't have enough time yet I still allow myself to be so bloody lazy.

Today, I am trying to leave everything behind. Everything that has stopped me from being productive and moving on in the last 3 months or so. I know it's already too late though, because prelims is only 2 days away. I am honestly, scared as fuck. But I brought this upon myself, so no whimpering.

Trying. Please give me enough strength.