3-5pm: The worst time to use the computer. The sunlight falls directly onto the screen and I can't see anything. But I use it anyway ^^

Notes from my mother that remind me to do the chores when I wake up, or before I go to bed. Normally, it's the first thing I look for when I get up to know if I had work to do D:

Sunny days like this are good for the laundry ^^

Huge splotch of unknown stain on the living room floor. I don't really know if it's coffee or...what.

Studying at Queenstown library's café when I saw this Taecyeon doppelgänger sitting right in front of me. He really looks so much like Taecyeon that I wanted to snap a picture to show Josephine and Vincent. But he stood up to leave just when I pressed the shutter ):

Taken just before heading to sleep. This timing is very normal for me :/

(Taken with my Fujifilm A220) Daily essential. I can not have my phone with me when I go out but I must have my MP3! Well, Sharman's actually. In 10 days I'll have my iPod baby back!

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Other things that can't be captured by pictures:

1. My computer crashed

I still don't know what the problem was because one night I was using it and it was perfectly fine, then the next morning it wouldn't boot anymore. My mum and bro said that I use it too much, my dad said that we have too much stuff in the C drive that caused it to overflow, and his colleague said that it was infected by a virus. But I still don't think I did anything to directly cause it, although yeah, the part about having a lot of stuff in it is right. But I really can't help it, it's a computer that everyone in the family (except my elder brother) shares.

In any case, the C drive is completely spoiled and can't be used anymore. Which means that none of us had the chance to back up anything in it. I don't back up my things in my thumbdrive because (i) I have too many files and my thumbdrive doesn't have enough space; (ii) It's troublesome to have to fetch my thumbdrive whenever I want something from it and (iii) Well yeah, I just never bothered LOL.

So I lost about 600 songs and the bad thing about it is that I'll have to download about 300+ of them back once I have the time (i.e. After A's). Thankfully the other 200+ files can be transferred from Sharman's MP3. Bad thing about iTunes: Troublesome piece of nonsense when it comes to adding and organising files and I just have to be extra OCD when it comes to my iPod too. So, I am not really looking forward to having to do it.

Meanwhile, the system is also wiped of sound and no matter what I try to do, like download sound drivers and all that, it doesn't work. And also my Arcsoft Photostudio 5.5 disappeared as well. It's not mine, I don't know how it got into my computer but I only discovered it like a few days before the computer crashed. Honestly, I like the program so much because it's quite user-friendly and I'm happy with the way my edited pictures turned out. Oh yeah, they were gone too.

The horrors.

Well really, I don't have much to say about it. Things don't look good, but I could care less. When it's over, it's over. Wherever I can't go, I'll just have to settle with where I can.

Yup. There are too many things I want to do after finishing this torturous journey.

And I will, no matter where I end up.

I will clean up my room, my house, my email account etc. Rid it of the academic things. I'll take language lessons. I'll be reading and writing a lot. I guess in this period of time, I discovered that I really have a passion for writing. I'll be living the way I want to for a little while.

I thought about everything for a long time. Well, not really at once. More like, I thought about what is to come repeatedly over a long period of time. The thoughts come freely and randomly. When I'm trying to focus for a paper, when I'm going somewhere or even in the middle of a paper. It's selfish, and I'll never be able to do it.

If I don't have to be responsible or answer to my parents about my future, I might not choose to go to a uni at all. I used to be really ambitious and career-minded and for me, this path that I've walked is the one I've always known. There's no other. It's always been JC then uni for me. But somewhere along the way, I'm not sure if I've changed or simply lost that part of myself because I've failed too much. Right now I just want to do what I want and be happy, at least for awhile.

I know, who the hell doesn't, right? But nobody gets to do what they want, not for most people anyway. My parents think in a certain way because they don't want me to suffer from bad bosses and never being able to climb higher when I go out to work in the future, and I understand that. I do.

What I really wish for is for a close friend to open a shop, maybe a café of a florist or something, and just employ me as an assistant. I don't need a high salary, maybe just enough to get by. But at least I'll know that I'm spending my life doing something I like, being around things and people that make me happy. There won't be things like bad bosses, there'll only be bad customers, but I could deal with it, right? But yeah, I know it myself that that's not the path I'll be taking.

To be honest, this A levels made me feel disgusted with myself because I turned into a person I never thought I'd be. I really stopped trying. Once I screwed the first few papers, I didn't even want to try any more. I just sat there and let time slip by me, then regretting more when I sit for the papers, not having anything to write. If I have to say so myself, the grades that come back next March are not going to be pretty, and the chances are I'll never end up where I really want to be. But I'll be okay. I can take it because I deserve it. I never worked for what I wanted. I only willed it to happen, willed myself to not fall apart. I am ashamed that things became like this, because I swear I never thought I'd be like this. But I'll be okay.

I won't have the rich and glamorous life I'd imagined myself to have since I was a child. I won't be a successful career woman like my mum had always envisioned me to be. I might never make it where my dad had been saving for me to go. I might have to be slogging my guts out to make ends meet and scrimping and saving just to get by. But I'll be okay.

Whatever the shit happens, I'll still have to live my life anyway. And seeing all my friends suffering and complaining about uni life doesn't make it sound like where I want to go. Maybe after so many years I can finally admit that I'm just not really cut out for studying, contrary to what everyone, including myself, had always believed in.

People keep telling me that there are people worst off than me and it wouldn't be that bad. I guess I don't want to be setting myself up for any false hopes when really I clearly don't deserve to. So right now I'm just preparing myself for the worst.