Breathe.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011? Posted at 11:59 PM 0 comments (+)

2011?
没什么特别.

Thinking of what to put into this year's year-ender was a big headache, mostly because I couldn't summon much memory of any events or happenings in this year. Other than the ginormous struggle for the A levels, of course.

Reading back on the entries in the last year, most of them were pretty depressing or pessimistic. I think I still started out to be quite conscientious and I tried for awhile. As the year went on, my resolve gradually eroded away until a few months before A levels, there was practically nothing left. I was always writing the same things, going through the same struggles and always caving in. I don't even know if it says anything about my A's, but... I'm not optimistic at all about what is to come.

I've failed myself and others through and through in this year, and I guess there's nothing much I can say about it. This exams really turned me into a person I never thought I would be, because it's like I completely gave up on myself. At the start, I was still calling out for help, hanging on to anything that anybody have to offer to me. Towards the end, I totally really threw everything out and turned everyone who tried to help away as well.

Regrets, I really have so many, and it's not like I only realized when it's too late. I didn't. I just couldn't make myself change. And so I let myself free-fall into a state of apathy to how badly I was doing and sometimes even it's consequences.

I know that I will pay the price with my future. Sometimes I feel like I don't even care.

This year, the other significant thing is that I fell into the world of Kpop, something that I can say I've been resisting for years. Not exaggerating or anything, but this thing really changed my life for both better, and worse. It's kind of too troublesome to explain, but anyhow, I'm thankful that at the end of the day I still managed to keep my sanity in check. I've learnt a lot.

Sometimes when I think about what happened and what I have left behind, I still feel so uncomfortable. It's like an irreversible damage done that cannot be lifted or erased. I worry too much sometimes and because of this, sometimes I just wish I never knew anything to begin with because I was starting to torture myself with all the things that don't even involve me.
But anyway, I hope she's okay by now.

Anyhow, I've finally graduated from RV. It's been 7 years since I first stepped in, much much longer than I've anticipated I'd stay. It was so long and so torturous but at the same time, it also kind of flashed past and I've enjoyed the ride. Many things and people changed in the 7 years, it almost feels like the people who are still here now would be forever. I hope so, though.

I've felt really weak this year. Almost at my weakest, maybe? To be honest, I don't have much else about 2011 to write about, so I'mma just post some long overdue pictures and leave it as it is.

Now for 2012? I don't much believe in the new beginnings thing any more, and I am even too lazy to make resolutions (bad start). I guess, it's not possible for an entire year to be smooth sailing. I just hope it wouldn't be so rough going.

My biggest hope for 2012 is probably to just land myself a spot in NTU/NUS. Whatever the course, I don't even care. Just give me a spot, and I'll take it from there.

I also hope that I'll keep the few people who are important close to me. As the years go on and we grow older, I really don't have many friends any more. So the few people I still have, I hope we go on much longer.

I want to do what I really like for these few months that I am free, really live my life the way I want to. I never want to lose myself.

This time, I have really let you go, and I'm not running after you anymore.

I hope you will be happy without me too :)

Just sayin', if the world really ends in 2012, I'm gna be pretty pissed off LOL.

Anyhow, have a good year everybody.

xoxo.