I think... I need to become more sensible. It's hard to believe that I am turning 20 soon, when really, I don't want all the responsibilities and considerations that a grown-up should have. I still want to be able to go around doing whatever I want, not giving a damn about anything else because they aren't important. I still want to be a little irresponsible sometimes and make some mistakes and not have it held against me.

I still want to feel alive, enthusiasm at the smallest things that make me happy, giving everything I have to love boldly, not afraid of losing anything or being hurt, never being too cautious, too considerate.

When I look at the two of them, I realise that I am none of these right now.

I went back to school today. I never thought I'd say this but I actually really miss school. When I walked the familiar corridor that brings me to the hall, I saw people at their CCAs, doing what I used to do. Living some dreams, feeling perhaps a little in control or invincible, not worrying about anything else for awhile.

It's a nice feeling to have something to fight for, or work hard for. This is what I don't have in my life now, and maybe it's why I feel lost.

It's not so much the people I miss. After all, the people who really matter have long left. Maybe it's the physical boundary of the school, the same flights of stairs I climb everyday and the same set of doors that I walk through. Maybe it's just the routine that I lack in my life now. Maybe it could even be the discipline, being in line with a set of expectations like never being late for school or never getting caught for your attire.

I remember how I always struggled to breathe and fight to not give up during every floorball PT because it was just too crazy for all of us, but at the end of the day we all survive. And when you do that, you feel so powerful for awhile because you've conquered yourself. After every session we all knw we grew a little stronger, both physically and mentally.

I missed that feeling.

Life right now? I sleep at about 3am, and I don't get out of bed until I feel like it. Usually I can laze until about noon. I can sit here all day, jumping sites, doing meaningless things without any guilt and for once, nobody can hold anything against me. Basically, I am living the life I have always pictured myself living after A levels, the life I've always yearned to live.

But somehow, when I'm living it now, it doesn't seem that fun or even enjoyable at all. I'm becoming really disgusted at the extent of laziness that I'm displaying everyday. I even wished I was doing some math.

I hope that when I start working from next week, it'll throw me back on track a little, be in control a little and start having a little idea about where I'm heading in life.

I knw that I am so afraid, because March will come right up, and I've already imagined the scene of me with my unspectacular A level certificate in my hands, and my face is going to be composed or blank or I might even laugh, but when I go back home and face the walls of my room when I'm all alone I knw I won't cry but I'm going to mope that I have destroyed my own future.

I knw I'm going to ignore a few messages from acquaintances who wants to knw how I've done, I knw I'll joke to some and say I've already seen it coming and it's no big deal, and I knw even to my best friends I'll still pretend like it's okay.

But I knw when I think about the people who've made it big and gotten into fantastic and prestigious courses I would wish it was me. I knw I could never live the comparisons down.

I know.

It is a big deal. It's not okay.

Thinking about this is making me feel so afraid. Because I knw, even though my academics have worked miracles once or twice through all these years, I knw there will be no such thing this time. There isn't even a possibility that I'll do okay. It's just going to be mortifying. I already knw.

So please just give me somewhere to go. I will take it from there.

And if there's nowhere to go... Well, I'll just have to enroll in a private uni.

I'll not do it again, no way. It'll just be a waste of time and money and putting myself through the same struggle to get the same kind of results.

I knw that life goes on anyhow, and even if I will not live the life I have thought I would since I was a child, even if from there life only means an uphill struggle for me, I will still get through.

.... what can I even do by now?

Anyway, how did my talk on resolutions even come so far. I only meant to say that I need to learn to manage my finances.