I questioned myself so many times over the same issues, I thought so much about everything that is about to come, I cried so much.

I felt numb yesterday. So numb, that forcing my lips into a smile is too much effort. Staring ahead, I thought about everything and nothing.

Friday.

I am so afraid and so prepared at the same time. So much so that I don't really know how I should be feeling. I don't really know what I really feel. People are having nightmares/good dreams about the results, they are talking about it and worrying about it.

But me.

I feel like I am in a valley right now, at a very very low and useless point in my life. I know that it's probably not the first or last time I'll feel this way. I know that what I'm feeling all these over is probably so insignificant it isn't even worth me feeling so much for. I know that after every fall, the only way to go is up.

But I truly feel like a big mess right now.

Do I have the right to ask you if you're okay? Do I have the right to give you comfort, when I'm not even sure I can keep a smile on for you when you need me? I want to tell you that I care about you, even if we don't really talk. I want to reach out to you, tell you it's alright, nothing ends right here. But I'm afraid if you come back to look for some comfort in me, I won't be able to give any more to you when I don't have enough for myself.

Do you think it's better, to be a person who (i) is strong, stubborn and prideful on the outside, but extremely soft-hearted on the inside or; (ii) someone who looks so weak and defenseless, but in fact has an extremely resilient soul?

I'm not sure.

I... I think I changed so much in just two years.

Same face, same body, same limbs.

Different heart, different mind.

Is it funny when you read this?

Am I who you think I am? After so many years?

If I tell you I am someone who cries at the smallest things. If I tell you that I feel afraid, hurt, insecure and unwanted every so often. If I tell you that I am shy and withdrawn. If I say that when I love somebody, I can throw away my entire pride, all the traits that characterise me as me, I can be extremely patient and keep my temper in check for more times than you have ever seen me be, I can reduce myself to nothing to make him happy.

Will you believe me?

Probably not.

Have you been taken in by my strong, stubborn and prideful appearance?

I have.

And sometimes, I really hate myself for this image I have built up for myself and struggled to maintain in all the years, since I was just a little kid. Because of this image, I never dare to cry out loud even when I really need to. I never dare to ask somebody to stay with me, don't leave me, even when I really need them here with me. I never dare to admit that I am afraid, so afraid, even when I really am. I never dare to ask for help, even when I feel like I am alone in a losing battle.

Prideful bitch I am, aren't I.

The only word that I used to want to be described as was strong. I use to believe that the strength of my mind is more than everybody else. But I found out some years ago that I am in fact, so weak.

Weaker than everybody else.

You know? If I have ever sincerely asked for your help with something, or begged you to stay with me, don't leave.

It must have taken a hell lot of my heart to do that.

If Friday turns out bad, I'll allow the weak me to mope for one day. Regret things that cannot be undone, mope about things I should have done, cry about the future I've thrown away and the time I've lost. One day.

After that, there is no time left to be weak.

You know how sometimes, you see something that strikes a chord in you so hard, hit so close to home that it actually hurts?

For the last three days.

It hurts.

March is here.

I hope you'll feel better. And if I can cope with my own issues, I promise I will reach out to you.