Breathe.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Next stage: University Posted at 3:24 AM 0 comments (+)

[Am in a very sleepy state right now, may write incoherent sentences...]

Every time I think about university admissions, it only makes me feel sick. I keep seeing people on Twitter and Facebook saying that they have already applied for this this this and whatever else, while I am still thinking about what I really want to pursue.

The SIM and NTU open houses didn't do much to make my decision easier.

Honestly, my grades are not going to get me anywhere. CES/BC. I still have not found a single person around me who did worse than me (lol, it just can't get worse ==). It is a shameful grade but I am not ashamed or greatly upset because I know I did not study, so honestly, whatever. I don't even mind going to SIM. I went down to the open house on Friday, got a bunch of prospectus, did some brief research on the affiliate foreign universities for the courses I am interested in and I think it's fine. I kind of like the idea of being in the same school as Wenyi too.

But on the night I got my results back, my father had said, "Try not to go to SIM."

I don't think I have a choice now.

I will have to go for the discretionary admissions thing for NTU and NUS, and I need teachers to write appraisals for me. But to be honest? .... gna be so damn hard because I was an unpleasant and difficult student for the whole of year 6, so.

My friends keep telling me to just try and fight for a place. I promised myself I would do that too. But really, CES/BC, think about it. I need to get teachers to write appraisals for me, submit a 300 word essay on my so-called talent (read: none, really) and go through so much trouble when my grades are so far away from the cut-off. I'm not really sure about that, and it's going to take time for all of these to get through.

I looked at my SGC again and wonder how I can be the same person as what I wrote about my achievements. Granted they were all in my lower sec years but I am appalled at how withdrawn I am now compared to before. Story-telling competition, THIMUN, tons of exchange programmes, best chairperson twice, museum guiding etc. All to do with confidence and eloquence and all that shit. But honestly now I would just like to find a corner and be invisible and just do my own thing. I don't want to be too involved in anything anymore.

I need to sit down and really think and last through this application process. Because every time I look at the pile of stuff on my desk I just decide put it off to another day. It takes too much mental strength for me to go through this whole process.

People keep telling me, choose what are you really interested in. What do you want to do and enjoy doing? If I follow what they say, university will not be in my options at all.

There are only two things I will dare call my passion in this life. University can't give me one of it, and I won't be accepted into another, or maybe I just don't want it to be tied down in a course and be forced to do it because I am never someone who develops a passion from things that I have to do, but rather I will grow to detest it.

I can't help feeling wrong-footed. How come everyone knows exactly where they are headed?

I think I am the one with something wrong.

Can I just say again how much I admire people who are disciplined, and are able to make themselves work hard? I really look up to people like that, and I always wished I was like that. I'm hoping that when I really get into a university, I will finally become someone like that. I want there to be even one thing I can be truly proud of about myself, even if it's studying hard. Studying hard is cool to me, I am not joking, because I just can't do it.

And life right now, it is not helping. Work is beginning to take a toll on me. When the boss is back I feel like all my energy is drained away in the span of his stay and when he leaves I find it hard to keep up the drive to do things quickly and efficiently. I've been making some minor mistakes at work lately and I am extremely ashamed of myself. But my lazier side always wins.

I am even too lazy to read a book now, which used to be something I really enjoy doing. I am afraid that if this lifestyle (wake up-work-go home-slack-sleep-wake up) keeps up, I won't be able to kick start the student part of me when school rolls around.

But no matter how messed up I am right now, I still believe that everything will work out. Maybe NTU and NUS won't accept me, but SIM will. And maybe people will think lowly of me because I am studying in SIM, but at the end of the stay I still get a degree and my honours if I do well. I subscribe to the belief that if I have the heart to do something well, I will, no matter where I go. 10 years down the road, everyone will be on level ground, or perhaps I will earn a little less than my friends but I will still be living well.

I am 20 but there are many more years to go.

So, it's not the end yet, no matter where I end up. For now I would like to do things that I actually enjoy.

Korean lessons soon, vocal lessons when I have the cash, read my books, and write.

Still some things to live for.