STOP. PUSHING. ME. ALREADY.

My patience, my ability to discern, my rationality and whatever the fuck it is left within me is wearing thin okay? I don't want to care about anything that does not concern me, I do not have the energy for compassion. YOU deal with your own shit, I am not your mother.

Stop pushing me, honestly. STOP.

It's not like these things you need me to do are outside of my capabilities. Fuck, no. I am a fighter and I know it. If I want to get something done, I do it. Nobody can stop me when I want something. But right now, I don't want to fight, okay? I haven't wanted to fight for anything in a long while. And I am not fighting for this because it simply does not concern me.

I can, but I don't want to.

So what are you going to do about it?

This is not my life. This has nothing to do with me. It is just an obligation. I can live just as well with or without it. So don't try to hold it against me in any way. I'm not having that. Why should I do that? Why should I? There is no point at all for me to put in so much effort. Zero.

Just thinking of the disgusting idea of work tmr makes me feel fucking sick.

But at least it is a 4-day work week.

Any little thing that can keep me going, I will grab on to it.

I am really not asking for a lot. I missed the application deadline for NUS (okay, lie. I conveniently procrastinated until the deadline is over) so I only have NTU in my hopes now. I pray for a place in NTU, through appeal or whatever, just give me a place.

Korean lessons are starting on the 7th. Right now it's the only thing that is remotely productive in my life, so I will give my all and be a good student and learn well. After all, I do enjoy reading, writing, speaking, and singing the language. It is not an obligation. And when it isn't, everything just becomes brighter.

Last 14 days of facing the boss, and then 5 days more, before I get to stay home, go out, do whatever the fuck I want. No more morning alarms, bedtime curfews, rushing against time, annoying and frustrating phone calls, disgusting hounding, and making my heart burst with all that pressure.

You know something?

I don't need anybody to understand that things are hard for me now. If I have to be honest, they are not hard at all. Not in the least. But I am mentally weak now and so these things feel like they are a lot to handle.

But, I don't need anybody to understand. I think my own thing and I do my own thing. I have my own ways of keeping my head above the water and being okay. I have people who really understands every part of me that I am even afraid to admit to myself sometimes, and I am so thankful you have no idea.

I just need to remind myself that I am still alive, and my life? It consists of things more than earning money and fulfilling obligations.

I went back to RV the other night and played a short game of floorball. Fully in jeans, make-up and shoes that were 2 sizes too small for my feet. And I felt a part of myself come back to me. That feeling of fighting on the court, every time when I managed to get the ball, my team mates on the sidelines who never fail to cheer for me, the stitch, even the pain in my foot because the shoes are really just too small. Everything.

That's me. That's me fighting and being strong.

That's the me I want to be for the rest of my life.

Remember that.