Posted at 1:22 AM 0 comments (+) Sometimes I look at us, and I think Hey, why can't we be friends again? I don't know why. It's not like there hasn't been an official call for reconciliation between us, a truce. But somehow, I just can't completely forget about what had happened between us. It was ugly, and I still don't know why it had to happen. I have to admit that I am the one still clinging on to all the wrong I think you'd done to me.

To be honest, I don't like this. I mean, I don't like myself like this. Obviously, I don't know if you've been like me; still harping on that bitterness despite us both agreeing to let it pass. But it feels like I am alone in this pointless fight with my pride, of who cares less wins, who talks first loses. It feels like you've already risen above it all, and I am still down here, being childish and stupid and immature.

As the years pass us by, I begin to forget why all of this had happened. What even really happened? When people ask, I don't have an answer because I can't remember. Or perhaps I never knew. It just seemed right then; you being upset with me and me being upset right back at you. Like all the years of suppressed unhappiness coming right up to the surface and blowing up in both our faces. All the fighting, the hurtful words, the drifting... and then what? Not understanding, choosing to walk. I'm not sure it should have been this way.

You were wrong, but so was I. I'm still not sure we made the right choice choosing to listen to a third party. Even until now I still have suspicions that the messages that were conveyed to us were distorted in some sense. But all the distrust already grew so thick between us that it became hard to tell, just by me and you, what could you have possibly said, and what not.

I think about why things between us took down this path. I think of the many days we spend together thinking about the future together. Imagining how things would be like. If we would be very much different. Of all things that we have tried to predict might change, I thought we were certain that what we shared will be constant, eternal. It's sad when I think about it. And things now are already so far gone that they are beyond salvation. We've gone so long without each other that really, there's no need for any of us to come back to the other's life any more.

Why did things turn the way they did? I still don't know. Some days I am determined to put everything that had ever happened behind me and move on, holding true to our promise to be friends again. Honouring it like I should, not doubt it. I think that it would be nice to have you back again, as a true friend for me, not one with just the unnecessary formalities and politeness but bubbling animosity beneath. I think about all the times I've held myself back from making a comment about things you say, just because it is you who said it. I think about how I don't want to live my life like this, feeling this way about you.

When we were all younger, we were struggling to offer a part of ourselves to everything that we had an interest in. Dividing our souls up in little bits and pieces and giving them away, invested in different people and things, trying to build bonds that last or achieve things that through years, we can still show. Make more friends, take part in more activities. In all the blind rush to gain more, we lose what is most important. Now that we are older, I learn that holding those that matters most to me close, is the most important.

It's funny how when I see the same things happening in our younger counterparts, I could tell it is a passing phase. That they will grow out of it just as we all have. And when the time in your life comes when you realise it, that trying to know everyone you can possibly know, trying to pull everyone on your side to like you and be your friend, can prove to be more tiring to keep up than having just a few who really know you, then you start to see who are the keepers.

My days of giving a part of myself to everyone and everything are long over. I'm sorry that you couldn't stay with me but we know at the end of this, we all learnt.

I promise myself that I will really try to let go of the bitterness and allow us to be friends again.

***

Disclaimer: Fangirl talk, do not over-infer.

Most unexpectedly, he left, too.
I don't know what happened, but I am not trying to guess.

I am in a state where my top priority is self-protection. I don't seek to know anything that I know I may not like, and I am happy the way things are. Just thinking about this today, I wonder if this phase might be (hopefully) finally passing over. If the temporary months of me being an irrational fan, stumbling into territories that borders insanity and barely pulling out alive, feeding on the news like a starved vampire to fresh blood, are finally coming to an end.

You would think that something as mindless as fangirling is nothing but innocent fun.I don't want to explain more, anyway.

I've been more open with my friends too, about some of the madness in this lonely path I have embarked on. It doesn't feel as crazy anymore, since I now know clearly where to draw the line and have people haul me back to safe grounds when I teeter too far out. It's nice to have people assure me that I am still sane.

It has become hard for me to gather enthusiasm even knowing that my favourite group is going to be on homeground in June. I don't know why I just can't muster the excitement I think I should have. The thought of going to see them, either at the concert or airport, never crossed my mind. I don't know. Is this the sort of thing a 20 year-old should be doing? Should I have bigger priorities? More important things to be fretting over instead of whether I'll get to see the 5 boys who would never be affected with the exclusion of me in their ginormous fandom?

I'm glad I was never the kind of fan to lose her mind completely. Dump all her cash on every one of their merchandise. Albums, posters, photo books, going to every single concert that they might appear in. I know better that maybe save for the CDs (and the concert experience, of course), in a few years, the rest are about as useful or meaningful as a piece of chewed gum.

I don't really know. Since I don't keep up with news about them anymore, and I have never been the kind to spend mindlessly on them, does that mean that this phase is over? Probably not? Considering that the language of the music I am listening to 97% of the time is Korean?

Honestly, I don't know. I know that this will surely pass over one day. But until then, at least I know for sure now that I am on safe ground.