Posted at 11:17 AM 0 comments (+) This space is probably already overdue for an update and I'm sorry that whenever I come and write here, I write unpleasant things. But we all knw that I feel a huge urge to write only when I am extremely upset.

I spent another night in tears because of the damage done to my heart.
I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, I've learnt better than that, it makes my eyes horribly puffy and ugly the next morning and it's just not worth it for such bullshit.

I keep trying to lie to myself saying I don't care if they fight or what happens to this family. But it hurts me so bad whenever they fight and misdirect their anger and discontentment onto me. I particularly hate it that I am the only one taking the rap. My older brother is not implicated because of his general apathy to everything around him, including this house. I'm not sure if he even knws that this place called a home is already in pieces. They keep my younger brother out of it claiming that he is too young to understand, and he should be focusing on his O levels this year.

Some nights like last night, I go to bed earlier than usual, but still after everyone else, and lay in my bed and cry and wonder what I did to deserve all this bullshit.

It's so ironic.
You break down, you cry yourself  to the extent of physical convulsions and a pulsing headache, and they don't knw. They come into your room to draw the curtains in the morning but having no idea you broke down on your bed just the night before because of something they said. They go on believing you don't give two fucks about them and this family. You almost mange to convince yourself too.

I cannot believe what has come to this family.
For a glorious few days, maybe one week, after they'd reconciled, things at home were peaceful for once. No more tense silences, too much anger and grimaces hidden behind every action, the children walking on a thin layer of ice that could break any time.
But of course I knew all of it was just a façade. They'd only managed to placate the other for now, but the root of the problem remains unsolved. It is a problem that cannot be solved.

Just one week, then everything goes up in flames again.

I have to say, mum, dad. You guys don't treasure the peace and stability. You guys treasure other things than the security a family should bring. And I thought you would learn, after all this was peace after your four-month long cold war. You guys just don't learn. You treasure and magnify your own selfish feelings more, and you treasure your indulgence and pleasures more. Neither of you ever thought you are wrong.

At some point I wondered if you guys are pass caring about each other. Because the way things are today? No way two people who care about each other's feelings would do such things. It hurts me even more that I am the one in the know, I almost don't want to know, of what you guys are doing to each other. I asked myself as I wish I can ask you, are you sure you guys are husband and wife?

Selfish and petty. And implicating me into matters between the two of you.

There's not much that I can do, and I also, as always, don't want to do anything about this. But if anything, you guys really hurt me badly.

So what if he couldn't see what you were writing, so what? You still shouldn't have wrote all that. Then how can you try to blame it on anyone when he actually did see it? It's the internet, nowhere is 100% safe and private even with passwords! Ever since you got Facebook you've been openly expressing your displeasure about your own husband in a space for all of your sisters to ridicule. And what is worse is that I have to sit here and listen to you while you complain to me about how ridiculous he is because you know what, my dear mother? YOU are fucking ridiculous too! What is the point of trying to make up for it by cooking a good meal the following day after the damage is already done? Why couldn't you hold back the anger for 10 seconds and just let the angry words slip away from your fingers and just don't damage in the first place? Why are you guys even doing this to each other? You're supposed to be adults! Why are you acting like high school girls rivalling each other?

Please just give me a break.
Stop hurting me.