Posted at 1:33 AM 0 comments (+) In The Pursuit of Happyness, there was this dialogue between Will Smith and his son:

Smith: "Don't break it, unless you want to live in the same room as me for the rest of your life."
Son: "I don't mind."
Smith: "You will in the future."

I cannot remember a time when I was young that I was this way. Lying on my mother's shoulder, telling her I want to live with her forever even if life was hard and there was barely enough to spend. There might have been a time like this, there must have been a time when my mother was the centre of my universe. I just don't remember a time like that anymore.

It wasn't always like this that I feel so upset and hateful towards my family. I don't knw from when did things change, but I knw it wasn't always like this.

A few days ago, during my last Korean lesson, my teacher was teaching the class how to express if you are close to someone, for example to a friend.

Then she asked me,

"싱이씨, 엄마와 친예요? (Sinyee-ssi, are you close to your mum?)"
"네. (Yes.)"
"어, 진짜로? (Oh, really?)"
"네"
"아빠와 친예요? (Are you close to your dad?)"
"좀 어색해예요... (We're a bit awkward...)"

I guess she was kind of shocked but I am kinda awkward with my father. I try not to engage in conversations on serious issues with him (e.g. school), because he will never fail to make me feel like an ignorant child and convince me that my thinking is all wrong, even when he is really the one who is out of the loop.

I knw that it is not that my parents don't love or care about me. But their love shown to me is not enough to compensate for the hurtful things they say and do to me.

I remember there was a time when I was younger, I said I will never send them away to the old folks' home and things like that little kids say. Right now, I only want to leave this place as soon as I can. It may seem a bit childish if I try to explain why I am justified to just drop everything and everyone and leave, people who are closer to me have heard enough stories to knw that 这个家, 我是待不下去的. The probability of me having no incidents and a perfectly smooth-sailing day? 0.

I have thought countless unpleasant (violent, even) thoughts about all members of my family at some point. But because I am still financially dependent on them, I swallow everything and tell myself to bear with it for a few years more. When my parents hurt me with their words, be extremely biased and such, all I can do is cry  like an idiot at night. I hate myself that when I wake up in the morning, I would've forgiven them, let them get away with hurting me again. Even if I don't immediately, I eventually do.

Slowly, I kind of understand why my elder brother kinda cut himself off from the family. But I can't stay mad at my family forever, I can't feed myself like my brother can, so I can't cut myself off. I just want to leave, as soon as I have the ability, I will leave. It is just a matter of time.

I never knew I was someone with so much sadness and weakness in my heart until I realised I've been crying so much and so easily at the smallest things. My Korean teacher said that if a person's heart is sad, when they listen to sad music, and watch sad dramas, or even when they see a scenery that is so beautiful, they will cry.

Every time, the moment I start thinking of the differential treatment in this family, I cannot help but start crying. All these scenes of the past will come back, differential treatment because I am a girl, because 我不争气 and any other matters, no matter how trivial, they just make me feel like shit. No matter how many times I relieve the same memories, they never start to hurt any less.

I don't really hate my parents. I am just not happy staying together anymore.
If I have to stay in a place where I cannot be accepted, am I not better off alone?

I'm not sure whether this has any link but as I have been alone for a long time (romantically), I am slowly starting to feel that I am fine alone, and I might as well be alone forever. I'm starting to feel like this circle, this life I am living in doesn't accept me. I start telling my friends I don't want to get married, I don't want to have kids and I am really not joking about it. I just want to wander other countries and live alone when I have the ability to. And to me, at this time, it is exactly what I want. The only thing I want.

They say I will change my mind once I have met The One. Well, I hope I never meet him. I hope nobody who will love me enough will come by and convince me to settle because right now, I don't think I ever want to settle. Growing up is a pain, and dealing with myself is enough, I don't have to deal with another person and the potential bullshit they might bring me.

I have great friends, I knw I can depend on them and they never let me down as much as they can. But I don't own them, they are not mine. I can't be their first priority. And that is not enough, do you knw what I'm saying?

这个世上最可靠的还是自己.
虽然一个人也有很累, 很厌倦生活的时候. 也有羡慕着幸福相爱着的朋友们的时候, 有希望自己也有一个专属于我的人的时候. 可是我知道了, 一个人一时间感觉到的那排山倒海的痛和寂寞, 都会过去的. 忍忍就会过去了, 不是说一定需要有那么一个人陪着我, 让我去依赖他.

想着想着, 眼泪又流了.
真的是一个笨蛋啊 我.

I have lessons at 8.30 in the morning and it would be wise to stop crying and maybe get some sleep tonight.

내 맘속에 얼마나 속상하게 너 알아?