2012.... Posted at 9:30 PM 0 comments (+) 2012 has got to be the most uneventful year I've had since these things started to matter to me. I'm still not entirely sure what I'm going to put down in this year's year-ender, so it's probably just going to be a random, disorganised splattering of whatever thoughts surface in my mind. In fact, this whole year-ender thing is starting to feel more like a customary process, a routine for me in symbolising crossing over to the new year, rather than because I actually have any revelations made in the concluding year...

I'm not sure if people grow to be desensitised to time with age, because I'm starting to have trouble with remembering the relative time of certain events happening. Truthfully, every year felt like it had flashed past, but especially this time round because my days were mostly so empty and meaningless. Perhaps the only major event that occurred in 2012 would be my A levels results, and subsequently entering the next phase of life: University.

Leaving my teenage years and stepping into the big '2' this year honestly hadn't held much meaning to me. I still evade having to be responsible, I still procrastinate too much to my liking. But as I meet more people both at work and in school, as I was exposed to the society and its people more, I start to realise that everyone outside are so different from the norms that I have lived, grown up and are comfortable with.

I have been with the same group of people for 7 whole years, people who share my values, principles and we behave in a way which we can accept. Now that I am thrown out to meet all these new people, I can't help but feel a culture shock. I am just a kid refusing to grow up. There are so many things I am ignorant to, and none too eager to learn about just yet. It's like sometimes when I talk to my friends from uni I get this feeling that I am missing the gene to grow up and learn about politics and how to make it big in life.

We have different priorities, and we do certain things with different motives in mind. All these are a little scary to think about, to be honest.

All in all, it hasn't been a good year (I can't really remember having any good years anymore, now).
I'm not really happy where I am now, if my posts are any indication. It's like suddenly in this year I was overwhelmed by this burning urge to just leave. Leave home, leave this place that I've known all my life and go somewhere where nobody knows me and live on my own.

I'm bound by all these expectations that people in society have on me, on us. I'm honestly only doing university because my parents want me to. I don't intend to do anything great with my life. I just want to live. Do what I want to do, and if I get lucky, I might be happy. Everybody all around are chasing after these expectations, expectations that I don't care about. I don't care about earning big bucks and driving big cars, or living on 6th Avenue. I just want to have enough.

But I know I'm just saying it now. Because I am still a child who is clueless to the way the world works, and how sometimes some dreams just have to die.

From all I have randomly written in the above, you can see I have just turned into a typical jaded young adult.

Sometimes I look at myself and I feel so disgusted. I feel like "Hey! You're just 20, why the hell are you whining about everything? Get out there and live the life you love! You're too young to feel this tired, too young to give up!"
Other times I wake up in the morning, think about school and want to fall right back into bed and die.

I wonder if from now on, every step of life is just going to be a struggle. Thinking about the future makes me want to run away. Sigh, sometimes I wonder how am I going to carry on when I am already so sick of living now. Haha, this is probably not too auspicious for me to say on New Year's Eve but I'm just going to be truthful.

(I am still someone who dreams and hopes even though my heart is tired and I am too timid to fight to shine in my passions. I still feel oddly touched by kind words from my 15-year old colleague telling me I'm beautiful. I think they are positive because they haven't been through what life has dealt them, but really, what has life dealt me that has made me like this? Nothing, really. Maybe I just need renewed faith. But right now, I'm not too sure about anything.)

For 2013, I honestly don't have any hopes other than perhaps try not to fail my UOL examinations. It is definitely going to be a more trying year. I don't knw if I have anything left in me to make myself work again. But I shall try?

This is the crappiest year-ender I have written. But at every end of the year I read back on my previous year's year-ender and feel ashamed at all that I said I would do but didn't. So I'm just gna leave this here.

Have a good year, everyone of you who may still be reading this (drop me a message?) :)
I love you all.