Still powerless Posted at 11:53 PM 0 comments (+) About 3 years ago, when I was 17 and had the biggest fight/cold war with my mother that earned me 2x caning and  2 months without my phone and ATM card, I swore to myself that I would move out of this godforsaken place the year I turn 21.

This year I turn 21. Guess where is still godforsaken and guess who's not going to be able to move out.
Guess I have been too naive to think getting away was so easy.

True, things have gotten slightly easier going since then, but that was only because I have smartened up my act. If anything, I find that I am hurting more now than ever. I don't even want to bother to figure out why because I have long accepted that this place is just fucked up.

I am not angry. This is not an angry post. I hope nobody who is reading this would misunderstand that I am angry right now because I am cursing. I'm just.... I'm just so upset that I still have to tolerate this for another few years.

It's sad. It's sad because I see so many people, my cousins from Malaysia who came here to study, my friends who went overseas to study, away from home and wishing they can go back. They miss their family, they go back every chance they have. All these people want to go home and I just want to leave. I only want to leave. Isn't it sad.

I don't understand anything more. I think that my life is actually out of balance, contrary to what people (and myself) might believe.
Probably nobody will believe me or understand when I say I don't want to live anymore. Because I am always so fucking in control in the eyes of others. The truth is that I don't want to live anymore. What's the point anymore?

Some people do well, they sacrifice playtime. Some people do the live fast, die young thing, and they may seem screwed up, but at least they are happy. I am not anywhere here nor there. What does that make me. Why then, do I have to live, should I still live.

I am still so powerless against all these things tipping me out of balance even after all these years. I am starting to lose hope that life will ever get better.

And it is just sad.
I'm just.... sad.