Me, Myself and I Posted at 12:19 AM 0 comments (+) Sometimes, it still hurts quite a bit. I'm not sure how long it will take before I am finally completely desensitised to pain and being vulnerable. I'm not sure if it will ever happen.

Maybe it is because I am not anybody's responsibility. I used to freely rant about everything that was troubling me to my friends, until I started to see that everyone is busy enough caring about themselves and their lives. I didn't like talking only to receive no reply as well. So eventually I stopped my random rants, I stopped trying to ask people out, I grew to be completely comfortable in my aloneness.

And that's what I became, alone. Not because I have no friends or shit, but because I want to. I'm not uncomfortable being on my own, I don't need anybody or any conversations, I don't need any interactions.

Just that sometimes it still hurts. And sometimes it is hard to deal with it alone.

Sometimes things get overwhelming and a bit too much to take. At those times, I wished I had someone. Someone who actually feels responsible for me and my welfare, and will willingly give me unconditional attention, and above all, protect me. It's just tiring to have to catch yourself all the time when you fall, to keep standing and functioning properly when all you want to do is lie in bed and pretend that you don't exist. Sometimes it does feel like nobody cares. Like I'm left alone to die.

I know I have people around, I have friends. They say they will be there for me, and they are, they have. But as I grow more and more accustomed to my aloneness, I withdraw myself more and more and after awhile, who reaches out for help anymore? I don't bother. Of course, nobody is a mind reader and can tell that I need them, so I blame no one but you see where this is going? That's where it gets hard.

I have a lot of struggles that is hard to explain to others, because my enemy is myself. It is intangible and it is all in my mind. It's tedious to explain and I feel that even if I had taken the trouble to try to put into words my struggles, people aren't actually going to get it. They aren't actually going to get why I perpetually feel upset about myself even when there is nothing evidently wrong in my life. They aren't going to think I'm actually having a hard time, they will just think that I am finding excuses for myself.

But I am struggling. I really am.

Love runs out. I have this theory where everyone is kind of like a vessel that is filled with their love or care for others. They will give to others, and when people have been mean to them or made them upset, that level of love depletes a little as well. But everyone has someone, and eventually their vessels get replenished by the other sources of love they receive. The unconditional, protective, loving kind of love. And so they can keep giving, keep loving.

I feel like my vessel has run dry for awhile now. On some days I try very hard to be nice, I give my love away to people I care about. But it depletes because everyday I am being yelled at, cooped up, bottled up and shit and there is no inflow of love to me. There is no unconditional, protective, loving kind of love for me.

I am slowly depleting into an apathetic mess. My daily condition has become a simple "cannot-be-fucked". I don't care about whose birthday is coming up and what present to get them, I don't care about who has not replied to my messages again, I don't even care if my friends are going to be upset at me for the fact that I don't care about them.

All I can think of is, why? Why do I have to care? When you're already facing all these struggles everyday, fighting your own demons everyday, dealing with bullshit from home and whoever else, who in the world has the energy to care about what kind of present to get for someone?! Because honestly that sounds fucking ridiculous to me. But that's probably where I forget, people don't understand.

I mean, yeah, it might be a bit much to ask for people to understand me because god knows I don't care to understand anyone or anything anymore. I just think that for all the struggles I am already trying to deal with, not even daring to bother anybody once with my problems, couldn't you just show a little bit of understanding? At least not get upset with me? It's hard, it's really hard to keep going and the pressures keep coming, closing in everywhere and I don't know where to run, who to tell.

I was never one to hold back my words. I say what I think, even if it hurts people. But lately, I have lost count of the number of times I said "forget it" in my head, or took a deep breath and swallowed my words and anger back. I am so tired of drama, clearing up shit, being so fucking strong and emotionless. Yeah, what's the worst that can happen, right? I tell myself this all the time. At the most I will just cry at night, I've become so good at it anyway. The point is that it passes, all the pain passes. There are particularly bad nights when everything triggers some emotions and it hurts more than it should, but it passes as well. So why do I need anyone, right? I tell myself this all the time.

I kind of felt a little sad as I was sitting in the waiting area at the dentist's last week, waiting for my turn. It was cold, and I was shaking because I didn't bring my cardigan since I hadn't expected it to be cold. All around me, everyone had someone. Children had their mothers, men had their wives, girls had their boyfriends. The only other people who were alone like me were the elderly (ha). All my parents did was leave me money for the appointment. And in that moment, I feel like if this if what adulthood is like, people expecting you to deal with everything yourself, I dislike it.

It seems like my best friend is my iPod, it sings to me when I'm sad, it sings me to sleep. I write my thoughts on it on days when it hurts too much and it has become a way for me to deal with things.

Even as I read back on my epic rant that is this post I feel that I am at the highest level of pathetic. Everything sound like excuses and attention seeking crap. But yknw what, I don't even care if nobody reads this, I just needed to get it off my cramped mind.

I am trying so hard to be enough for myself. I try so hard to not have to need anyone, to not hurt. But apparently, I can't be, because it still hurts.