Posted at 2:17 AM 0 comments (+)
I have no idea why seeing the above picture while I was scrolling down my Tumblr dash comforted me a little. My mind is a jumble of thoughts today and honestly, I don't feel too good but I guess that's not important since I hardly really feel good...

I'm feeling really tired tonight so I guess I'll just be quick and go to bed.

So a few days ago when I came home, my mum told me that my dad has heart problems and will have to go for surgery. I'm not entirely sure why I have not directly told this to anybody yet, but in an instant I suddenly felt really afraid and uncertain about the future. This future that is still too out of my reach at this point. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff these days, like what the hell am I going to do if something bad happened to my dad and how we are going to deal with life. I know this is ridiculous and uncalled for, probably nothing at all is going to happen to him, he's not going to fall lifeless any moment but I guess a reminder of his mortality really scared me.

To be honest, I cannot imagine life without my dad. Even if I am kind of awkward with him and I sometimes try to avoid being in the same space as him because of awkward questions-and-answers but his presence is important to me. He has always been my shield even though I really hate him sometimes.

And then I just started to think about a lot of stuff about life every once in awhile when my mind is idle, how I now feel obliged to actually land an office job that pays well (that I also happen to really hate) so that my dad can stop worrying about all those dollars and cents.... And then I wondered if I should get married just so my dad can hold my hand as I walk down the isle and shit like that even though I am not the least bit interested in forming a family with anybody. Or maybe I am just thinking too much.

I think I am at a point in life where I start to see all the changes I have to make to transit into adulthood, the responsibilities I have to take, the struggles which I cannot run away from and I am really afraid about everything that is to come because nothing seems appealing to me. There is literally nothing to keep me going at this point I'm surprised I'm still going.

Have you ever felt your heart hurting so badly that you find it difficult to keep breathing? These feelings are reserved for all the 3ams when everyone else is asleep and emotions and memories crawl out from the cracks in your heart but I was feeling something so intense some hours ago when it was still too early to justify feeling all these. My throat was choked with tears I refuse to let out and I don't know why I felt so lonely today even when I am by myself every other day as well. I am also starting to get rather afraid of myself for the things I think.

I briefly wondered why I was sitting there alone again.

Recently, I read this story that has the idea that everyone has a soul mate, literally. It's called imprinting and once you meet your imprint mate and have had your first physical contact like a hand shake, you can never leave each other because skin contact will be necessary for your survival. You will know, physically, that this person is your imprint mate at the instant of your first physical contact.

In this story, not everybody gets imprinted (i.e. gets to meet their soul mate in real life). In fact, hardly anybody does anymore and it is perfectly fine. However, the protagonist is a firm believer and well-versed in the concept of imprinting and had always dreamed of a fairy tale ending with her soul mate. So naturally, she was crushed when she finally met her soul mate - a person skeptical to the existence of imprinting - but he already has someone else. He doesn't want her.

The mere idea that there is someone out there made just for you, who will complement you in every way and understand things even you are afraid to say is just fascinating and amazing to me. And it is what I crave. There will be unconditional love, zero judging, and you will be in sync with this person biologically, physically and emotionally. I think by now you can already tell I am a person looking for non-existent, surrealistic, too-perfect relationships and this just kind of confirms it.

Reading this story broke my heart in so many ways as she tries to get over her feelings for him (it was love at first sight for her, even before they had imprinted on each other) while slowly making her way into his heart, how things could be so right but so wrong, how two people could be made for each other but cannot actually be together and....I just hate this kind of shit. I think I have the tendency to always support the underdogs and even in dramas I hate it when the guy who has always been there loses his dream girl to the bad boy who just came waltzing into the girl's life, makes her life hell but still somehow manages to steal her heart. How and why do things work like that? Why do we always want people who are bad for us, or people we can't actually have?

I don't really want to think about it though. There is just so much trouble to go through for one relationship, so much risk, so much emotions involved that breaks so easily but takes so long to heal that I really cannot be bothered to try at all. It's not really worth it to me, the risk the heartache and everything in exchange for companionship. So most of the time I just tell myself I don't have to love anybody.
And I don't.