Posted at 1:21 AM 0 comments (+) I have a problem.

I realised that I'm not really willing to offer myself for my friends (who are not really close friends). It's like, sometimes a friend (who is not a close friend) runs into some kind of trouble, needs some help or feels down, and I sit here watching them wither and feel bad about themselves on social media. I know I have some comfort to offer, some advice that perhaps won't make things better for them, but they would at least knw that somebody cares that they are hurting.

But I never dare to reach out because I am so afraid of being burdened, that they will become some kind of a responsibility for me. The fact that they are not really my close friend means that I'm afraid it will become awkward, after I have said all the things that I can say then, what's next? Furthermore, can I even understand what is it that is making them feel upset when I am barely even in their lives?

I wanted to say something. But the moment she said "Anyone willing to listen to me?" I halted my fingertips on the keyboard, and pressed backspace.

I remember about a year ago, I was faced with the same situation. My friend was having a hard time and I hesitated for the longest time to reach out to him. Because to me, I have enough problems and struggles as it is, I really don't need more. I would hate to feel burdened, because I have always hated it when people came to me only when they needed me. So I waited, I wanted to see if I could carry my own burden before I decide to share his. But I was too late. I lost him.

I hate myself for that.

It's as if I feel like because I am always dealing with my problems alone, I don't owe anyone my comfort. I hate it that I have become truly alone even in my head, that I never expect help, so I don't give any as well. I hate all things that are troublesome or tiresome now, I don't like to rack my brains thinking of the right things to say. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm just asking for a peace of mind but not that I am really interested in what they have to say. I feel like sometimes people are this way to me as well.

I feel bad about it all the time, but I never try to change it.
I just.... I'm sorry.

Now I knw why when I'm screaming nobody wants to listen.
Because I don't listen to them too.