Posted at 4:33 AM 0 comments (+) It was 3.30 when my dad woke up, he chased me to bed as he does when he wakes up and I'm still not asleep. While I was washing up to go to bed, he turned on the kitchen lights. He went back out and got his specs and medicine(?). When I was done I turned everything off and saw him sleeping on the living room floor, covering himself with his towel.

I got into bed, plugged in my iPod, played some games on my phone, then put everything away. I closed my eyes. And suddenly I got scared.

I am thinking too much but I am so damn scared. I thought about my dad. Did he wake up because he felt unwell? Why was he sleeping in the living room? What if he did feel unwell, like right now? What's taking so long for the appointment or surgery or whatever the hell it is to fix the problem? Can he even afford to wait? What if I lose him? What if I lose him tonight?

Am I going to continue to study or go to work or what. Are we going to be okay. Is the housing loan fully repayed yet. We can sell the car right. The gold key my mum insist to get instead of a silver one for my 21st birthday will be worth more, she's right. We are not going to fucking be okay. I'm not going to be okay.

I don't know why the fuck I am thinking of all these stupid shit but I'm fucking scared. I don't know what to do.
There's nothing I can even do for him.

In my mind I've always imagined myself going before my dad does. I have never tried imagining a life without him. Tonight I did and I got so fucking scared.
Please don't ever leave me.