Posted at 12:54 AM 0 comments (+)
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So my finals finally ended two days ago. I'm not going to do okay at all, and I think it is almost certain that I will have to take my 4th year in UOL. But uhm, I'm not sure I still care.

My dad got his procedure done about a week ago, so he's been staying home these days and recovering really well now and already starting to piss me off once again. Seriously, man.
If there was anything good at all that came out of my dad's heart problem, it is that my parents don't fight anymore. My mum's been taking care of him, and during the few days that my dad was hospitalised, my mum was too exhausted to nitpick on me.

You don't knw how thankful I was for that. A family finally felt like a family to me. My dad was being all nice and shit when we went to visit him. Telling me he'll buy me everything I want to eat and give me money to spend when he's discharged etc. Of course, I know my dad didn't mean a thing he said (remember how he said he would give me allowance and even the amount I will supposedly earn each month if I quit my job? Bull. Never got a cent.) but when he was speaking to me again in that spiteful tone last night about how I am wasting his electricity by staying up at night, I just felt bloody disgusted.

I tuned out immediately because I fucking hate it when he talks to me in that way. I. Fucking. Hate. It.
I don't think people understand how it feels like at all to stay in this place and have people who are supposed to love you tear you down. It happened again tonight, as I was sitting in the living room having dinner, there he was barking at me about stupid shit again and I just had to resist the urge to roll my eyes or throw my spoon at him.

I am just getting immensely tired of my parents being general bitches, not even trying the least bit to understand me. I could have been having a hard time and nobody here would give a damn shit about my well-being, just whether I did the laundry or the dishes today or not.
Hey. I'm not even exaggerating or being bitter. They just don't concern themselves with me unless when I've done something that is wrong (to them). And then they jump on my back immediately and refuse to let it go.

Before you say anything, I just want to tell you this: You don't know how I feel and have been feeling all these years and it is not up to you to judge how I should feel. I also want to tell you that this is a problem that will never ever be solved, so if you tell me one more time to talk to them or do something about the situation I am going to just stop talking to you completely. When I rant to you I don't expect you to provide me solutions, you only have to listen. That, is all.

Done caring. No more tears left to cry so fuck everything, I am waiting for the day to leave.
I am not angry right now. Just fucking had enough, and sad.

I thought all these feelings of hatred, unhappiness and discontentment will never come back again.
Obviously I was wrong. Duh.

One day I will go somewhere and I will actually be happy.
Even if it is in the afterlife.