Posted at 2:33 AM 0 comments (+) She says she will definitely be there for me when I need someone. She tells me not to worry that I may be wasting her time, that she'll let me knw if I am.

But you see, that's the thing. What if she says no one day, "sorry, I've got stuff to do right now"?

I have an immense fear of wasting people's time because I knw most of my problems aren't even really problems. They are just lame thoughts that pop up every so often in my head and random happenings in the day that doesn't really even have to be mentioned but I mention them anyway because I am me. I'm afraid of wasting people's time because I don't have important things to do with my time so I spend it any way I want to, unlike others. I'm afraid of asking friends to take the long bus ride back home with me instead of the train. I don't ask them to come to the cafe and sit with me while I just surf the net or attempt to write unless I knw they have something to do there.

People ask me how I can sit alone there just doing my own stuff for hours on end.
I ask why not.
Nothing puts me more at peace than sitting somewhere typing up my next draft, or penning down random thoughts in my numerous different notebooks, listening to ballads, and generally not rushing anywhere to do anything.

I'm just saving myself the rejection and explaining when having to ask people out with me. I mean, people have better things to do. And it's not like I can't be alone.

For an entire day today, I went into Whatsapp, looked at the chats, thought briefly about who I should tell about something completely mundane, and exited it again because I decided nobody really needs to knw it.

Yeah, maybe I am just going to withdraw again. For a little while I thought I should quit doing that, it's making me a painfully awkward person. For a little while I tried keeping people in the loop (?) because it felt like it's what I should do and I have people who care about me. But then I realised that the more I do that, the more I get hurt when people (unintentionally) let me down, when I get reminded that I am not as important as I would like to think.

(I have no problems with not being important to people, it's just that it's a little sad sometimes when I happen to think about it.)

Meanwhile, still hoping scientist will gift me with a clone of myself so I can talk to someone 24/7 whom I wouldn't be afraid of disturbing for once.

What can I do to keep holding on to the love I felt from my friends when they were springing me surprises? I don't want to forget that feeling of happiness, fullness, and fall back into my aloneness and trying to not need anyone. I don't want to be ungrateful and forget how much they have put in for me, but it is slipping away from me so quickly.

I'm just kind of....sad. A little bit.