Posted at 3:05 AM 0 comments (+) A couple of days ago, I was on my way home after a long day at school. It was the evening peak hour, and the 154 I boarded was crowded as heck, as usual. It was a single-deck bus, and I was standing in the back, in the narrow isle facing one row of seats, minding my own business. There was a girl, probably just a few years younger than I am, sitting in the row in front, and she caught my attention because she was doing what looked like her Korean homework.

She was scrolling through her Twitter feed in between trying to formulate sentences for the paragraph she was working on, and I could see that nearly every tweet was in Korean. The pictures that came up were of - surprise, surprise - SHINee, and Jinki no less. I also saw that she had some Japanese language app running, but I don't really knw what it does since I can't read Japanese.

She already had my full attention by now. I remember thinking she must be really good knowing so many languages, and I was envious, until something else caught my eye.

There were scars on her left wrist. Right below where the vein disappears into flesh or whatever. You know, the kind that is obvious that she cuts herself.

There were many, at least 5, but I could tell they weren't that deep. They were more like scratches on the surface, not fully healed, just scabbed over.

It wasn't the first time I saw scars from people cutting themselves. I remember some years ago, I saw another girl, this time probably a few years older, having multiple uncountable scars on both her wrists. The kind that had looked deep even after healing. I briefly wondered why she didn't bother wearing anything longer to conceal them, she was just clad in a spaghetti top and shorts and her scars were in plain view. I didn't think much of it after that. I've also had friends who told me that they tried cutting themselves before. To be honest, I had never understood why someone would want to do that to themselves.

Obviously, my perspective took a change because I've imagined doing the same thing to myself numerous times this year. So it made me wonder about this girl, the one I saw on the bus.

Why did she do it?

Her scars tell me that she obviously didn't want to die. People who want to die wouldn't give themselves a chance to back out you know. Just one cut, and deep, and it's a done deal. Then was it just a momentary escape? The 'feel good' feeling friends told me about to distract them from a bigger pain? Did it work?

I wonder if she must be very sad. I wonder if she's like me. (Hey but I knw by now I don't want to die and I haven't been thinking that way for awhile now, so don't freak out.)

We're both learning new things, taking up new languages, and this shows we're still interested in something. People who want to die don't care about such things.
But there must obviously still be empty spots, missing pieces in her life that she can't fill up no matter what. Parents fighting? Relationship problems? Fell out with a friend? Or just no one understanding her maybe? I just felt like life can really be so lonely for some, even if you have people around you.

It was just..a thought provoked by what I saw. I am by no means suicidal. In fact, I think lately I'm deriving a lot of my motivation from going to school and keeping myself on track. I'm even starting to toy with the idea of becoming an accountant because of a sudden peak in interest in the subject (thanks to a very effective and humourous lecturer). I am deriving strength by being in control of my academics. Of course, I'm not perfect and still have many areas I go out of control on, but we're all getting there. I'm trying to use my academics as an anchor for my sanity.

Things have eased up for me at home as well. My parents piss me off once in a while, but I can handle that much. I don't feel that bad right now, to be honest. Probably for the first time in many years, I can say that I knw what I'm doing.

I just hope things get better for that girl.