2013. Posted at 11:52 PM 0 comments (+)
感觉一年比一年过得模糊了... 明明刚刚才跨过年的怎么转眼的又是一年了?
就这样转眼的 我, 二十一(半)了.

2013 in view...?

It's been a trying year, I think. Mentally.

I don't really remember very well by now, but my archives at the start of the year were filled with frustration, angst and generally a lot of unhappiness. I think it was me being unable to focus on studying hard for my UOL exams, plus my mum's constant....shit that made me so sick of life. Life just felt really meaningless at that point, it seemed like there wasn't a day that went by when I didn't cry myself to sleep at night, or wonder why I am even still alive.

The seriousness I had in thinking about that question, you would not knw.

It was in this year, that I decided I never want to get married. I never want to have children.
My parents kept fighting, my dad always tagged the dollars and cents to every single thing we did, and my older brother was non-participative in our family matters as always. I took one look at us and thought "What a sad excuse for a family. Who needs family like that." There is nothing but an empty shell, people taking on the roles of parents and children without the heart to really fulfill their responsibilities. I got so tired of trying to be enough but always somehow falling short. I felt trapped, because I could not leave.

And so, day by day, I felt myself dying a little bit more. Hardening into a person apathetic about anything that does not involve me directly. And I tried to be involved in as little as possible. I ran away a lot. I just wanted to leave and be on my own, where nobody could hurt me.

For a large part of the year, I thought a lot about dying. I thought about it so much it can't possibly be healthy. It frustrated me that when I talked about it, nobody believed I would actually do it. I just felt really...trapped, and different. Like a misfit.

At some point, things became better though I don't really remember how. I guess it must be when my dad had that heart problem because my parents stopped fighting. But I was still hurting a lot inside because I felt like people didn't understand me. I felt that as time slowly went by and as people change, I may have been wrong about some things and some people. Some days I conclude that it is still the best if I am all alone, because it takes too much effort trying to explain how I feel to people and they don't get it anyway. Some days I am still comforted by the fact that I have friends with me. I guess I am just a person full of contradictions..

Anyhow, enough with the depressing things.
I turned 21 with a bang indeed. The kind of surprise that I have always dreamt of but never dared to ask for for fear of disappointment actually happened, and I was the happiest the night of 26th May. It felt like I finally have enough. It's regretful that I didn't write about it even... As the years go pass my memory of that day might fade.

This year, I stepped a little closer to my dream. My friends gifted me with a studio microphone on my birthday, and I've put it to good use. I set up a new youtube channel, and am a tad less shy about people finding out about my singing. I've started to do some subbing for short videos and I express myself a lot better in Korean now.

I still struggle a lot with the relationships I have with people around me. I still second guess a lot, and I often feel like I want to cut away the people around me one by one because the hurt I feel when a close friend denies me and my feelings is so much more than if it were any other random person. I'm still trying to come to terms with myself and with the world about a lot of things, but we give some and take some.

This second year in uni has also seen me working very much harder, in fact the hardest I have ever worked since....I don't really knw or remember when. This good student thing is really hard going, and I lack the stamina because I've never felt the academic rigour.. Still, I'm going to have to try harder.. The fact that I had managed to stay disciplined and on top of my school work for a rather long period of time showed that I am in fact capable of this. It is a matter of choice, not ability, and this means the world to me.

I think I've given up on making new year resolutions since a couple of years ago, because I obviously never even remember them, not to even mention keep to them. I'm old enough to knw that no miracles would happen with just the turn of the year, and while I knw that old habits die hard, I just wish that in 2014 I will always be able to find the strength to keep going, keep trying one more time. And to get back up every time after I've cried, or failed, and smile again.

The close friends I have around me now, they are really people I think will stick by me for the rest of my life. We don't always agree on everything, and they sometimes make me very sad, but we have our own ways of working things out, and I don't ask for any more than that. I can't deny the support they have given me in many times of difficulty. I am thankful.

And you, dear friend, it's almost 2 years since you've been gone, and I think about you quite a lot more than I expected myself to. I see you in many people, on many occasions. When I see photos of the medicine students in uni donning their doctor's coat on Facebook, I think about you and how naturally the image of you in that white coat comes to me. I mostly see you being part of some prestigious event or society, because the truth is that it could so easily have been you. You were so bright. While I wish you could still be here to cross over to 2014 together with the rest of us, I hope that you're happy, wherever you may be now. I miss you.

I hope it would be a good year :)
Drop me a message, whoever is still reading this xo.