Posted at 3:37 AM 0 comments (+) This beer is so bitter that every mouthful makes me want to cringe, and what comes along with it... is an overwhelming urge to cry.

I don't usually drink. I don't like to drink. You can even say that I borderline hate drinking because I like sweet things and alcohol is batshit bitter. But these days I feel like shit and I don't knw what to do. I don't knw where and from whom to seek comfort in. Tears, they don't even work anymore. I don't feel like I even have any tears left.

I always seem to have so much to say, so much to feel. That voice in my head can't seem to ever be silenced. I have scraps of foolscap paper and uncountable notebooks lying here and there with bits of my writing. I write in the notes of my phone, my iPod. Everywhere. I write whenever I get hurt, but lately I feel like words are failing me. Maybe that's why I turned to drinking, or maybe I am just being dramatic as usual. I don't really knw.

My head, it's always so filled with thoughts and things I want to say whenever I'm travelling alone and my mind is idle. But the moment I come home and turn to this space, hoping to write this down, my mind becomes as blank as this page.

I'm just going to try once tonight. To say how I feel.
What I feel is hard to get across to people.

The list, it's getting longer. The list of people who keeps breaking me. Friends don't keep score, but I can't help it if they are people whom I trust with everything. I can't help but to feel...slightly betrayed, when I find out they feel differently about me as the way I have always thought. And I can't help it if I can't open my heart to you the way I did before because I opened up to you but you judged me. I. Can't. Fucking. Help it.

These people. They are so close to my heart, and I trust them so much that it really hurts like hell when they break me. And nothing hurts more than me finding things out only from others, or from your subtle messages here and there, things that you couldn't tell me to my face. Nothing hurts more than when people I am closest to, whom I feel like we are forever, break me without even a second thought.

I'll admit it. I don't try anymore. I don't try to even explain, tell people how I feel. I already knw they won't get it. Granted, sometimes I have not given them a chance before this decision, but time and time again when I decided to open up again I never fail to get disappointed. People don't understand and this, I accept and respect. What should I expect if even my best and closest friends can't understand me? What do you expect me to expect? You can't ask me what's wrong because I don't knw how to tell you what is wrong, and I don't knw if I'm okay. I mean I'm not about to kill myself yet, is that okay enough for you, or did you mean another kind of okay? I don't have an answer for you then, because I don't even knw it myself. I don't even fucking knw how much longer I can hang in here.

Half the time these people who come and ask about me, supposedly concerned, aren't even really interested in what I want to say. People think what they want to think. You can't tell me I'm not alone, because I am. And every time another friend (unintentionally) hurt me I feel this aloneness more clearly.

I've always sort of prided myself that I am a 没心没肺 person, there is so little I actually give a shit about. I'd like to think that I have it together. I can tell my friends my beliefs with so much conviction some of them cannot help but agree with me. But then I realised I'm not. I am so far from being emotionally strong. I realised I am so goddamn sensitive, to every little bit of unkindness from my friends that will otherwise be deflected by my alter-ego with the level 3000 aura. I'm not sure if this is a by-product of having been fucked up too often by my mum but it feels a bit like it.

Yeah, I'm different now. We all are. I learnt that no one has time for my childish non-issues and so I stopped trying to impose it on my friends. Everything that I am now, it is a result of my immediate environment. How my friends and family behave and react to me. So I don't blame me that I don't give others chances to understand me. You weren't interested in the first place.

It isn't niceto say this, but friends are starting to feel like nothing but a burden to me. There is nothing they can do for me that isn't superficial, there is no emotional support. And I still have to come out of my comfort zone to make them happy? To conform and go with the flow? Who the fuck cares about birthday presents and surprises when I'm thinking about all these future problems? How to get myself out of here, how to keep going, how to keep myself alive? When all that runs through my mind on some days is how it will feel like if I ran that blade across my arm and just bled out?

Birthday present? What kind of joke?
I don't even knw for what am I opening my eyes every day?

The thing I hate the most about being at this age is that, sometimes it is so glaringly obvious that some of us, we're not meant to be friends. Back when we were in school, we had common ground holding us together; going to the same school, being classmates and such. We stay together because of these establishments and these routines, common history and memories. But once we break out of it, once we've graduated and have different endeavours, it becomes so painfully obvious that we are not meant to stay as friends. We don't share the same interest, we're at different stages in life, or simply just that we can't stand the way the other person just is. But at this age, our bonds are already deep enough that it is 不是说断就断得了的, 也不是想断就能断的. 所以因为是朋友, 因为以后还要见面要相处, 才就算性格真的合不来也没办法只能忍了. 一直这样忍着, 很辛苦, 很累.

换做几年前的我, 就算是最好的朋友惹着了我也照样一点面子也不会给的劈头就骂. 就是因为过了几年, 因为这些缘故而一直忍着, 忍着. 因为曾被刺痛了而一点一点地收起自己的心. 慢慢地性格也变得安静内向很多. 很多话, 忍忍就不必说了. 宁愿自己心里死掉一角也不想朋友间有任何一点尴尬的气氛. 现在心里已经死了多少....快了. 快死光了.

What remains the same over the years is that, I still hate confrontations. I don't want to hear anymore things from you that is going to break me even more. And I'd rather hold it in than bring it up. 所以请原谅我的无力.

It never seems to be a good time in the few months leading up to my finals. Struggling, struggling. Always fucking struggling and failing. I always thought I was born a fighter and winner, but now I see how weak I actually am. Drinking? 只要一年前的自己都会唾弃现在的我那么情愿堕落荒废.

P.S. How can I expect us to be close emotionally if you are never there? If you were always so peacefully oblivious to all my struggles? There is no support, no companionship. No nothing. How can I call you my anything in this case?

P.P.S. Don't tell me what to do. 在你还没说之前我已经都想过了.