Posted at 3:43 PM 0 comments (+) It's 32 degrees outside but I'm here wrapped in my thickest jacket, sniffing my nose off, and wondering if it's the aircon that's making me feel so cold. I'm tired and I'm sick, and I can't focus on anything. Not my revision, not my writing either because my eyes are so small they're threatening to close, and I need sleep. Instead, I'm staking out at this McDonald's because I skipped my lecture again, and am waiting for the time until I can go home and maybe crash.

The last time I wrote in here, it'd been mid-February, and right now it's exactly 2 months after. I haven't been updating because there is nothing to write about. My days have been filled with either dreary 6-hour long lectures or, on the days that I choose to stay at home or come to this McDonald's, absolutely nothing.

I have 16 days until my first finals paper. I am slightly more prepared than I was last year, thanks to my 10 or 15 weeks of serious work at the start of the semester, but I am still nowhere near ready to take an exam. It should be alarming, I should be scared as heck, but I am too tired (and numb about failing) right now to even give a shit.

Thinking about how at least the next 2 years of my life is going to go the exact same way makes me feel sicker.

Anyway so yesterday I was sitting in my econs revision lecture and I happened to overhear a conversation between a boy and a girl sitting a row in front of me in the LT. Yeah, I was eavesdropping because there's nothing better to do anyway, right? They were strangers who just happened to sit beside one another and at the start, I was just thinking this - turning and starting a comfortable conversation with a complete stranger - will never happen if it were me.

Later, I realised they were sharing their travel experiences to the USA. They've both been to New York and some other places I can't really remember. And then I realised how easy it is to carry a conversation for them, because they've had these (similar) experiences of travelling to the same places and why it's so hard for me to keep one going is because I literally have nothing going on in my life and I don't have these things to talk about. Conversations that strangers have with me usually last about 3 or 4 statements when we get the basic formalities out of the way and then we find ourselves in an awkward silence.

Travelling gives you experiences, and I don't have these experiences. And then I got a bit sad because I've never been anywhere exciting while the rest of my friends are just going here and there, just about anywhere I would really want to go and have a look. I know that I will get to go somewhere too one day, just not so soon. Not in the near future. And then I feel even sicker.

Haha, nah. I've already kind of resigned to fate that this is how it's going to be so I'm not even very much envious or bothered anymore. Just, oh, another person flying to Seoul, nothing much.
We just got to learn to deal with things, right?

I'm alright. I have no time to think about getting drunk, or picking up smoking or trying to cut. My late nights and ingestion of too much caffeine is probably already enough to take a few years off. I've been filling my days with writing, a bit of reading, and watching and re-watching The Hunger Games (lol). Some days I pick up my books because I remember I have an exam to take. In 16 days.

We just got to learn to deal with things.

These days I've been coming to this McDonald's a lot and I just sit here for hours on end with a cup of iced coffee and trying to write. It isn't really what I'm supposed to do at this point but it makes me feel good. It makes me think about if this is the way I will live if I became a writer, just sit in cafes all day with my laptop and try to write my next draft.

That is not half bad. Now where's the fast forward button to bring me there?

About 1 month and 3? 4? days later will see the end of my finals.
I'll probably be happier then.