Posted at 3:13 AM 1 comments (+) I bought 3 bottles today. I just want to see if I'd really get wasted by the end of it.
I've only just finished my first bottle though, and I'm already feeling the tell-tale signs of tipsiness. Maybe I drank too fast tonight.

This is crazy. Today had been crazy. I felt like there had been a storm in my mind and I was this close to doing irrational things to myself. As if trying to drink myself silly isn't irrational enough, but who the fuck cares.

Two of my papers are down, and I have two more to go, the next one being almost one week from now. I can't handle this man, this long interval between papers. It should be advantageous to me because I could use the time to catch up on revision that I haven't been able to do earlier, but tbh this is just pure torture because what the fuck who am I kidding when I said I would use the time to study. I obviously wouldn't.

Whenever I feel so defeated by each of the papers I'd tell myself, even when I'm still sitting in the exam hall and waiting for the invigilators to finish tallying our papers and whatnot, that I really have to work hard for the rest of the papers because I can't redo this year again. I just can't. I don't know what the fuck I'll do if I have to repeat it all over again for the third time. But then when I get back home and I get my books out and I look at them I just deflate and lose all my motivation immediately.

I swear I'll force my dad to let me drop out of uni if I fail again. I just can't do this again. Why waste the time and money trying to force a fish to climb trees right? Just accept that I'm not good at studying and move on. What's the worst that could happen anyway?

I.... I don't even know man. I look into my future and I see nothing. I don't see anything that is attractive enough for me to carry on with this struggle, in fact I don't see anything at all. So what when I graduate, if I graduate, what's in it for me? What is there worth living for? I don't care for a prestigious job, to live comfortably, to have a family and shit. I don't give one fuck to any of that. And nobody would understand, and why would they. I am weird and I am half drunk and nobody ever takes what I say seriously anyway, drunk or not.

My mum's been giving me a lot of trouble again. I just want out. I can't imagine a life like this for 40 or 50 more years. Why do I even have to live that long for anyway? So I can spend my time doing things I don't care for? The way I see it I'm going to live, poorly, recklessly, whatever the fuck way I want to, and then I'll kill myself around 50 years old when I'm no longer young and am useful for nothing much. Ideally, I'll die before my dad because I don't want to live without him around even though he can be an asshole sometimes.

These feelings, these thoughts... they are like demons in my head. Telling me to go ahead and just try cutting once, see how it feels like, maybe you'll feel better. Sometimes when I get intoxicated I feel like my voice of reason will lose to it. Honestly the only thing stopping me is that my penknife is quite rusty and I don't fancy infections.

So tired. I really had enough. I don't even want this. I never asked for any of this, why can't anyone understand it? I just want out.

Please.