Posted at 4:15 AM 0 comments (+) Last night, I fell into a quick and deep sleep after the two bottles of mixers, without even having the time to switch off the 3G on my phone first before consciousness slipped away. It was probably just pass 3am when I went to bed, but it felt like I haven't slept in 4 days. Woke up with a dull pounding at the back of my head, but nothing too bad. I was still functional.

Honestly, that felt good. I like the feeling, that slight buzz in my body when I'm half intoxicated, how my eyes just want to close and even if my mind is sad I find myself smiling. Everything is funny when I'm half intoxicated. I like how I can't exactly walk in a line, but my mind is alert enough for me to do everything normally, like brush my teeth and put on moisturiser before I fall into bed messily. It felt so good, that I was tempted to repeat it again tonight.

Alas, my wallet does not agree. And I'll remember to just get mixers of hard liquor instead of beer because that thing sucks shit and never gets me anywhere near tipsy.

I'm not sure from exactly which point on did I become so pathetic, but usually I don't care or even notice until other people's - friend's - lives are shoved in my face and I'm forced to swallow how pathetic I allowed myself to become. I don't know, it sounds funny even for me to say it because it's just going to be a bunch of complaints and how I think I'm so pitiful while I carry on acting like a fucking retard, wasting my life trying to destroy myself.

I've always thought that I can turn things around any time I want to. I've always thought that I can do anything, achieve anything, as long as I want to. I don't mind if that friend from uni thinks I'm a punk student because I know I can turn it around in time, and then she'll see. She will know I am nothing like a punk student.

Well, joke's on me. I can't turn anything around and I am a punk student. The end.

I brought this upon myself.

I don't know what happened. I might feel better if I knew what fucked up along the way, what made me become like this. The problem is that I care so little, I care about nothing. Nothing motivates me, gets me all excited, makes me want to throw my body into doing it. Yeah, so I like to sing and some people think I write well. Big fucking deal. I'm even getting kind of tired about my Korean classes which I've been faithfully attending without fail for the last 2 years, and I'm thinking about pausing classes for a while.

That friend from uni was just telling me how her friend works full time, attends school, is currently planning her wedding, and still finds time to exercise and meet her friends. I am secretly envious of people who have their shit all figured out. They must have the motivation and love for life to keep going like this. She says money is her friend's motivation, and I just want to say, bullshit. Even with how much I love money, when you don't care, you don't care, not even about money.

I saw a picture that my cousin posted on Facebook some time back, a picture of dimsum in a bamboo steamer with the caption "Happiness can be this simple." Well guess what, she's enjoying her simple dimsum all the way from Hong Kong, so fuck your simple happiness because it at least took you a plane ticket. Fuck all the people who does that preachy shit. People who get to travel and see new things periodically won't know what this feels like.

Sometimes I think I might be slightly depressed and then I google up some shit and see that I fit the bill for mild depression but if I ever bring it up casually in a conversation my friend would laugh in my face and like "You, depressed? No way! I think I am closer to it than you ever will be." Well fuck you, I bet you don't hold a penknife to your arm and press it in every now and then, trying to resist the urge to just slide and create a cut. I bet you don't google up which suicide method gives you 100% fatality rate. I even know how to do it. I even know how I want to do it if I ever really want to do it. Maybe depression isn't always about being gloomy 200% of the time, maybe when some people are depressed they can still laugh and joke, but there are some days when they can't find one good reason to get out of bed and it is all just so exhausting.

I know there are people who will rebut me with 10,000 reasons backed up with evidence why I am obviously not depressed and I just want to say, if it makes you happy, I eventually settle that I am not either. So shut up.

People who have never been damaged will never understand when I say I want to kill myself. You see, I saw this video on Youtube, it was a hidden camera to see how people would react when someone comes up to you and tells you they want to commit suicide. All but one of the people in the video just gave the supposed suicidal guy helpless looks, some couldn't even be fucked to listen. They let him go when he says he wants to commit suicide. The only person who did not let him just walk away, who wanted him to talk to her was someone who had once been admitted to a mental health institution. So, you see. In such a case, people who have never felt this way can't and won't understand, and you can't even blame them.

If someone came up to me and told me, hey I'm failing school, my parents kicked me out of the house and my girlfriend dumped me, I want to commit suicide, I might say hey me too, but I'm still alive so there's no reason why you should die, let's get a drink and we can talk about this. How can you expect a person who has only ever been called pretty to know how ugly feels like? How can they understand your cold when they have always been warm?

Aiya fuck this. I don't even know why I'm always writing in circles justifying why I want to die when I know I won't do it. I'm still waiting for better days even though it has been years and if anything, I learnt that things never get better, they only get worse. But when I have more abilities I might feel better.

There are still things I want to do, and I still have words and I still have my voice and there are still songs that speak to me so I will not die. And even though I don't sing fantastically, listening to myself calms me so I'm just going to have to count on that. When things get too bad I'll just get semi-drunk for one night, maybe.

Nothing too bad. Still functional.