Posted at 12:01 AM 0 comments (+) Maybe I am envious, why it just seems so easy for others. You say that I'm just more careful, but is that so? Maybe I am just more unwanted, who would know? Maybe I am jealous.

My heart must be an ugly black colour.

I took my first paper for finals today. I thought I was better prepared this time, but the paper left me feeling so hopeless. It felt exactly the way it did last year and I know that it's a lost cause. It's been quite a while since I last felt so shitty, not wholly because of the paper, that I bought drinks again.

I feel like a horrible person.

So now there's a difference between 'you' and 'me'? We are 'obviously' different? Why, because I have nothing going on for me? Yeah, I asked for this right. I know.
It got to me when you said 'I was reminded of you' when you talked about your sister who 'confirm cannot get into local uni one la' and 'my parents don't have high expectations of her'. That shit cut me deep. Then I remember, I asked for it. I acted in this fuck-care way all along, and so I deserve it for people to judge me like this, think this way about me.

I realised today that I think in the same way as you. The both of us seem to think we are, in some ways, better than the other. Maybe you are better than me. I am probably just jealous.

I can be so disgusting sometimes.

I forced myself to cry in the shower today because I feel like if I didn't do that I might make myself do other more destructive things.

Life likes to play cruel jokes on us sometimes. The more you want to die, the more it keeps you alive.

I am very tired of living in this house.