Posted at 3:28 AM 0 comments (+) I feel so tired.

Not mentally or emotionally, none of that kind of dramatic shit people (i.e. I) always go on about. I feel so physically tired lately it's starting to get a bit concerning.

There are a lot of things that I should be getting to, and stuff I should probably be thinking about and planning, but I don't do any of that. It's June, and I thought I should probably have some kind of a game plan before the rest of the year slips by. I don't really bother about anything because mere thinking wears me out these days.

Oh yeah, I turned 22 some days ago. It was unspectacular; there was nobody around and the people around were busy with various things (i.e. their own lives). Even felt like I was just turning up to entertain some friends and not for the sake of whatever celebration they had in mind. I wasn't expecting much but I don't know if I even feel disappointed at certain things. Then again, I thought to myself, what for right? This is the first year that such affairs would pass in such fashion, and I know it would only be the same or worse in the years ahead so I just got to get used to it. Whenever I talk like that I think about how self-centred and narcissistic I am but I can't pretend like I'm not because I am just a selfish person like that.

I feel like it's starting to get very difficult to maintain a cordial relationship with my friends. It's like it's getting so hard to keep up a conversation with them. All people talk about these days are where they went travelling and what happened there and what they want to do the next time they go there again which is all very cool and exciting, yes, but I just think: What do you want me to say about that? I can't go anywhere, I don't have money for shit and I have to sit and listen and look at everyone have fun and how fucking fun that is for me right? When they complain about how much they need a getaway again and how the last trip wasn't enough it makes me want to smack them upside the head because what the fuck. Sometimes it just gets so annoying I wish people'd get the hint when I get quiet because I simply don't know what to say without sounding bitter. But of course, I know that I am just being self-centred again and that nobody is obliged to be sensitive about my stupid feelings and of course they would be excited to talk about their trip. I'm just saying I'm not bursting with enthusiasm to hear it all the time we're together.

It's so frustrating and I don't know why everybody is going somewhere but I can't and won't be able to in the near future. Are they lucky or am I really unlucky? Why does it always seem so easy for everyone else? I don't even dare to dream about going somewhere anymore. I've decided to just push it to the back of my mind until I actually have the ability to live properly before even talking about travelling. It's like I am trying so hard to be fine with it and I am fine with it but everyone around keeps rubbing it in my face and just oh my god.

This was originally meant to be a short post but somehow the above three paragraphs wrote themselves so. No harm letting everyone know how fucked up I am. I realise that all these are just on my part. I am 22 and I am so disgustingly childish and selfish I can't even with myself. I dislike me too.

I don't sleep at night and I don't wake up in the mornings.

I want to drown in sad songs.