Posted at 3:58 AM 0 comments (+) I've been deliberating on-and-off over dropping out of school in the last couple of weeks. I know I say this a lot, but I mean it this time. I think I finally came to terms that I am simply not cut out for studying after trying to force things to work for years and years, that there is no 'I'm better than this' and 'I'll be able to do it if I just put in effort' because I have but it is still all too difficult.

I've thought of and researched about so many alternatives: Leaving home and staying at a friend's place while I work, trying to find out if it is actually a fileable report for a 22 year-old to leave home without her parents' permission because I don't want to see my face plastered all over in public bus stops. Working until I've saved enough and hightailing out of here to Korea, Taiwan, anywhere but damned here. Trying to find out about getting a job in those countries, and all the nit-gritty visa and permit stuff. Enrolling in a Korean university to continue studying Korean while I attempt to snag some illegal part-time giving English tuition or whatever, until I'm proficient enough in the language to be deemed competent for other jobs. To be honest, the amount of stuff I have to process and settle before I can really even work at a quaint cafe in Seoul is enough to put me off that idea semi-permanently. So I only think about it on-and-off. I've even thought about dropping out of UOL and finding another school where I can study something I don't hate as much. Something about writing maybe, language, I don't know. There's going to be a lot of explaining to do to my dad either way so really, whatever.

More lately, I keep thinking if I should just bite the bullet and keep going for the next 2 years or so. I don't want to lose to the system, I really don't. But it is so tough. Some days I think maybe I can pull through, but most days I know I can't. I mean, if the past 2 years isn't already enough indication. I tried but my trying wasn't enough and I don't know how to make it enough.

I feel like I can go crazy. I need to get out of here so badly. My mum's been driving me up the wall and I do not want to be stuck here permanently. You know, I have so many years of verbal and emotional(?) abuse from her to think back on that even though things have gotten easier now I still can't feel like I can stay here permanently or happily. Once she does something to trigger my emotions, I'd remember every single hurtful thing she'd ever said or done, or the things she didn't do and offloaded to me, and then I just can't deal.

That night I was up talking to my brother until 4 in the morning and he told me he understood how I feel at home but he felt like there was nothing he could do to make things better. I'm not gna blame anything on him because things with my mum are just completely biased and situational so I understand but over the next few days when the same kind of things happened again and again, I thought to myself "So what if he knows? So what if anyone knows how I feel? The fuck they can do to help, they're all just gna watch me drown anyway."

I don't need a mum who'd stay up with me when I'm up studying, or wait for me when I'm out until late. I don't need a mum who makes me herbal soup when I have exams, or cooks all three meals a day. I don't need a mum who buys me stuff all the time because she knows I'd like it, or clean the house every single day. I don't need her to baby me when I'm sick or in pain. I just want one who does things that she should, that is her responsibility. Sometimes I feel like such trash in this house when I look at how I'm treated in comparison with my brothers.

I know that things can be a lot worse. My mum didn't run away with her yoga instructor and abandon the family. She didn't invite other men over and let them rape me or whatever kind of crazy news is on these days. But should I give her credit for these things she didn't do? Should I not fault her for the things she should have? Sometimes I'm caught in a dilemma about whether I should be complaining so much and calling her a lazy bitch because obviously, my mum could have ran away with some other men or abused me physically (she did cane me on 2 occasions to the point of me bleeding when I was 17 so I would count that...) on a regular basis but does this make it better? I wish.

It's just sad and annoying. I just want to get out and get better and I wish it wasn't so hard.

I've already waited so many years how many more do I have to endure before I can leave?

Wow I just needed to get this out I swear these words have been stuck in my head for two days now because I hoped it would just go away but guess not.