Posted at 2:44 AM 0 comments (+) "I didn't mean just tonight, I meant this whole healing process. I'll entrust her to you." 

I'm not even sure if I'm in any position to talk about letting go and moving on; I've only had one past relationship and god knows I'm the most obstinate of them all. My heart holds on tightly to things that should have been let go of long ago, but I guess if you look at it the other way, it is precisely because of my stubbornness that forced me to learn a few things about this silly thing called moving on.

I still remember how crazy the days were back when I first ended everything. Aside from music, words were really my only comfort, so I wrote practically everywhere, be it using pen and paper or in my blogs. Sometimes, I still read back on all the things I'd written back then to remind myself of how it had felt like the most unbearable pain in the world, and like I'd never get better.

The only thing I can credit myself for is that, I'm not the sort who clings. If you've made it clear that you don't want me, then I'll respect that and stay away as best as I can even if it kills me. There are routines that will be hard to break out of, and it becomes all the more obvious when you find yourself alone and having nothing to fill the space. Little things come back to haunt you, things you wish you'd remembered when you still had the chance to so something about it. I have to say it took me a lot longer than I should have to put it all down, but at the end of the day I can say that I really tried my hardest and it was just not meant to be.

Back then, it had been difficult. Friends can tell you anything, but you wouldn't listen to a word. The entire world can tell you he's not good for you, and you know it too. But your heart says yes anyway, and so it continues to run towards him. It's a crazy, torturous game. I can't even tell you the amount of madness that went through my head and came out from the tip of my pen and fingers to form sad paragraphs I wish he could only read.

It's already been 4 years now, and I am okay.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, this healing process, it takes time. Everything would look crazy (sorry for the lack of vocab) and impossible right now, and you wouldn't think you can ever love anyone else again. But you don't know that. The truth is, it all passes.

There will be a day when you will be alright again, just like me. You'll be happy, and these dark days will just be a time when you would look back on and smile because you've learnt how to deal with pain from this. You'll know better what it is that you want in a relationship, try to be a better version of yourself. You'll become stronger, because there's no other thing you can be when you hit rock bottom. There will be a day when you wouldn't even flinch at his name.

No matter how much I want to try to tell you these things, I know it wouldn't be of any use. You wouldn't believe me. But I know you'll be okay, be loved again in a better way one day, because I've been through this tunnel and I'm now out of it. You got to give yourself a chance, and give it some time.

Right now I'm broken in a different way in which I don't know if it can be fixed but it's alright because it is not caused by a broken heart. Not in the romantic sense anyway. I don't think I can really love another person again, but that's because I don't want to. The thoughts and demons I battle now are on a whole different level from that of a broken heart, and sometimes when I think about it, I can't help but think how silly this thing called love is. There are still certain things that I find myself unable to let go of, but I live with it and try not to let it affect me.

I am now a completely different person from who I used to be that 5 or 6 years ago, before I learnt how to accommodate to having another person in my life. No doubt you'll change after such an event, and it's okay to hurt, to cry and wallow in sadness all you want. But I need you to know, the bottomline is that:

It all passes.