Posted at 12:48 AM 0 comments (+) Love, love, love, 
what is it good for? 

Absolutely nothing.

I'm really not sure if growing up had opened my eyes to the way things work in life, or masked them over with a layer of doubt and my own prejudices. I'm no longer able to see things in a very positive light, and I'm tired that I always seem to be the only one on this side.

I've always said that I've become very different from who I used to be. If I get angry and upset but don't explicitly show it now, then am I still considered to have a bad temper? If you give second chances to someone who clearly doesn't deserve it, then is that called fixing things or losing yourself?

I see things differently to most people, and to me it is the most practical and self-protective way i.e. the way to go in the long run. People might think that I'm silly or pretentious for thinking that I've seen through it all, and I don't know, maybe they are right but there's still no cause for me to start believing in things which has never worked out for me, is there?

Honestly, I probably don't have the reason nor right to think that I might be someone broken, because after all, what the fuck is wrong with me or my life, right? But I see things so differently to the rest, and sometimes it only takes a few sentences from someone for me to know that they are broken, too. It takes a person who's broken to recognise another, you know? It's hard for someone who has never been in that situation to understand how someone must feel, and so I'll never blame anyone for not understanding why I think the way I think. I just know they won't, and that's okay.

I just think that... I hope you know what you're doing because at the end of the day, you only have yourself, you know? Friends and family, they are there for you but nobody is going to always pick you up like you have to yourself. At the end of the day, it is less about the 8PMs spent laughing with friends over dinner and drinks, but more so the 11PMs when you're on the way home by yourself, listening to a few sad songs and just thinking about everything and nothing at the same time, or the 3AMs you spend with yourself, trying to keep the inner demons at bay. At 3AMs, when the pain is so great, nobody is going to remember the time spent joyfully in friends' company, even if it was just a few hours ago. Do you know what I mean?

You got to be okay with being by yourself, I cannot stress that enough. The last thing you should do is base your existence on someone else. They will not be as gentle or careful with you as you'd like them to be. They will not protect you like you will yourself. I can't say that you have to love yourself (I clearly don't), but at least be at peace with yourself.

I only have myself, and it is not wrong for me to place myself as a first priority. So don't shame me for doing that. When the going gets shit tough for you, you know that at least at the end of the day you have someone to run to and who will give you comfort willingly, without you having to ask for it. There's nobody picking me up when I fall like you do so don't shame me for putting myself first. I cried out for acceptance, but it got mistaken as attention, and I haven't tried since.

Work had been totally crazy in the last month, and I'm glad I'm already down to the final week. In other news, I actually passed the papers I sat for for the UOL exams this time, so I guess it's biting the bullet and two more years for me.

I already know there is going to come a time some time next year when I'm going to hate everything and regret that I did not drop out right now. I just hope.... I just hope to be able to pull through.