Posted at 7:14 PM 0 comments (+)

Sometimes when you come across a good book, or film, you just want to share it with somebody, because it is that good. You want to discuss it with them, to see if they got the same things out of it as you did, to know if it touched them the same way it touched you.

Then, there are other times when you come across a book, or film, and you don't want to share it with anybody. It's not because it is particularly good (or not), but because it is that personal to you. You don't want them to not get why it means so much to you, you don't want them to find out what it is about this book, or film, that makes you weak.

"5 Centimeters Per Second"

There are things I still struggle with, and sometimes, to see it presented so perfectly in another form with the inevitable, natural ending in its totality is like a slap to my face. I keep wondering what is the purpose of everything, because when you look at the bigger picture, none of all these things I'm struggling with really matters at all.

That's why I let myself go.

I'm getting so bad again. It's been three weeks since I went to school. I know I'm falling behind in my classes with my dwindling attendance, but for once that little panic that is always present inside me is not even enough for me to bring myself to care, to drag myself off to school regardless of how much I don't want to. I have never cared about school anyway.

I lay in bed all day in a mess of early mornings and late afternoons, not sleeping at night and not waking up in the day. I put my phone on blocking mode so nobody can reach me; no texts and no calls. I walk around outside in a trance, not really knowing where I am going. I eat one meal a day at midnight, and sometimes not even. I'm so worn down and fucked up I can't even summon the energy to get angry at things.

There are some days when I literally cannot get myself out of bed; I am still so impossibly tired no matter how many hours I've already slept, my eyes just keep closing and so I keep sleeping. It gets so hard for me to engage in unnecessary and unimportant banter with people without feeling annoyed. It just takes so much out of me to make conversation these days. How to reply to not invoke more replies, how to answer to make it seem like I give a shit when I really don't. Everything is so o v e r w h e l m i n g. I just want to be left alone to my own silence. Everything is so exhausting and everything is killing my spirit.

It is too early in the academic year for me to be feeling like this. I don't want anything. I just need a break. I need the weeks to stop going forward, I need it to pause so I can catch my breath. I just want to sleep until it's enough so I can find the strength to get back up and keep going.