Posted at 3:13 PM 0 comments (+) "I think you spend too much time alone"
"You think too much" 
"You need more human interaction" 

I try really hard to not get offended when friends comment about the way I am, or think. It's really hard for me to try to explain it without getting defensive, I realised it is always going to come out defensive. I tell myself that they don't understand what goes on in my head, and that is not their fault, it really isn't. But to suggest that the way I am, the way I live and think, the way I have built myself up right now is...wrong is too much? It hurts me but I don't want to pick a fight about how they don't know what it's like. It doesn't matter to me that they don't know, it's fine. I just need them to accept that they don't know.

There are things that are very simple, day-to-day tasks that should be easy enough when you think about it. Hell, when I think about it, it should be easy too. It just isn't that way. It takes a lot for me to do some very basic things on some days, some days when I wake up and can't get myself out of bed, and when I do I just want to sit down on the floor and cry. How do I explain these to you? How do I explain how I can't get things done even when I have the time because I am so mentally exhausted all the time?

It might be unhealthy the way I'm living and thinking but I want to say that it is not your place to tell me any of these things. There is a reason for everything. A reason why I am alone, a reason why I steer clear of unnecessary human interaction. And the reason why you think I'm depressed is not because I'm alone too much, or think too much. Is it? I really don't know to be honest.

The point is that you can't tell me how I should feel.

It's so ironic how it almost feels like some kind of a victory when people finally start to think I might be depressed for real. I know my friends all have my best interests at heart, but I really don't like it when people try to dissect my thoughts and actions, try to categorise and attribute it to some kind of social dysfunction that made me this way. Unless I'm asking you, we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, I'm not down all of the time.

Just as I accept that you can't always understand, please accept that you don't always know.