Hello, 2015. Posted at 6:50 PM 0 comments (+) Hello, 2015.

My yearender came a little late this time because for once, I had plans on the last day of 2014. It was a simple get-together with Vincent and Kexin at her place. We watched Big Bang perform on TV at the stroke of midnight (well, not really, but still), watched a movie, listened to random music, and talked about stuff. We mostly drank, which explains why I suffered my first and worst hangover all of yesterday. I couldn't stop puking, much less focus my mind long enough to think.

Anyway, it was really fortunate that I have the two of them to take care of me while I was puking myself senseless, having to clean up my mess and bring me back home. I am thankful beyond anything, really.

So my take on 2014, on 2 January 2015.

I've been thinking for a long time even before 2014 ended about what to write this time round. Each year is passing more and more like a blur for me to really hold on to anything to talk about, and even my posts in the year have been mostly lacklustre or heavy in nature. There's nothing very ground-breaking for me to reflect upon.

All I remember of 2014 is a lot of hopelessness, feeling depressed but not knowing if I'm actually depressed, too much time spent trying to destroy myself, then a slow descent into..... nothingness. I've always been an unhappy person (by nature), and this is still unhappiness, but I've lost a lot of the anger. The fight, the fire, the spite, or whatever you call it; I've lost that. Most of the time I just feel really empty, numb even, and on bad days I feel hollow with sadness that has no name or reason.

I told Sharman a while back... That the scariest thing is when the sadness that used to come out and haunt me at the 3AMs are starting to hit me in the middle of the day, at random times, when you can't blame it on the energy of the night that is making me feel down. I feel so all the time, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, or when I'm just walking on the streets, even when I'm out with friends. It's scary because there's no way I can hide from it, because it is coming from me. It is scary and it is dangerous, because I'm starting to believe humans can actually die from sadness.

Also, I've been actively trying to cut people away. Old friends who are never there, old classmates trying to come back and catch up, I don't let them in and I'm not sorry. I do believe it is okay to cut people who are simply not interested or concerned away. But I keep trying to do it to my friends too, especially when I wake up on a bad day and I just want to turn off my phone so no one can reach me while I'm feeling like a train wreck. A lot of times I say no to meeting up because I just feel really bad at the moment they asked, and I know it's not fair.

I realised that maybe I've been over-rationalising everything. I weigh up the costs and benefits, then make decisions that I know will not cost me something. If I believe that a group of friends' companionship will not benefit me (emotionally), I don't turn up, simple as that. A few nights before the end of the year I was sitting at a bar talking about this with Shixian, Vincent and Kexin i.e. the group I want to cut away the most at this point and I realised I should give people a chance. The few groups of friends I have left now, I've already said that I know we're going to go on for life, and I should try harder, maybe. It's just that I keep saying that, but there are times when I get so incredibly consumed with sadness or emptiness that I can't breathe and in those moments I can't remember these things. I can't remember that I should try, or give them a chance, I only know that I'm not okay and I need to make myself okay before I can deal with hanging out with them. It's complicated and difficult to explain....

I know that even in the new year I will still keep fighting with myself and with this supposed depression in me that I don't know how to get rid of. There will still be episodes of me staying up till 6 in the morning crying my eyes out after reading something from time to time. I think I've been giving in to it too easily, I allow myself to get too sad with no intention of fighting it. I like being fucking sad because I have an excuse to be a wreck, maybe. I don't really know.

Anyway, we already know I don't believe in fresh starts or making resolutions anymore, but there are some things I want myself to try to live by not just in the new year, but as a person and as a way of life.

1. One thing is that, what I've said, I need to try and I need to give people a chance. Maybe I don't have to start anything if I don't feel up to it, but I should at least reciprocate others' efforts. Just like the way I am designed to remember the bad things or disappointments people have dealt unto me, these days I've been clinging on to the good things people have done for me, and I realised it can be this simple, maybe. I just need to remember. I keep thinking how some of my friends never do anything for me (I am too trapped in the mindset that I'm the most hurt person on earth lol), but if I were to ask myself, what have I ever done for them? Probably even less. Or maybe it is that I have never done anything for them that I am rejecting their help too. Either way, I need to do something about that, I think.

2. Be kind, be kind, be kind. I don't know how to elaborate on this, really. It's just that whenever I come across news about how atrocious human beings are to one another, like hate crimes and stuff, I just really never understand that. All the hate, I mean. And I know that there are instances when I get upset that I say things to purposely hurt people, and that's horrid. I want to be a kind person with good thoughts, but I feel like when you think of a kind person you don't really picture someone like me i.e. loud and uncouth haha but I'm working on it. I also need to learn to stop being so jealous, maybe.

3. Be more appreciative and patient to my parents. Haha this may sound really silly to people but most of my friends will know I'm really not a family person at all. I don't really care very much about spending time with them and all that, I can probably only say I'm more connected with my younger brother and that's all. I had a really horrible dream involving my dad some days ago, and I can't seem to shake it off. I always get so impatient when my mum wants me to help her with stuff, like filling in forms or helping her with the computer and I make sure I show how annoyed I am. I think I need to stop doing that because those are literally just small things that I can do for her. I will still be unhappy about having to do the annual cleaning shit during CNY though, but I think that much is fine haha.

4. A habit or goal for myself: Keep reading, keep writing. I want to be connected with words, write amazingly. Language is such a beautiful thing and I want to become one with it. Being able to use it to create pieces that can bring comfort or move people, that's beautiful. It'll be my best weapon and best comfort.

Ah, one thing that did happen in 2014 was that I joined a subbing team. Well, it wasn't a great experience due to the politics and obvious double standards in it. Basically, I had been rejected the position of a Korean-English translator more or less because I'm not Korean. I was given the position of Chinese-English translator instead, which to be honest, was not why I joined a subbing team for in the first place. Anyway, this kind of showed me how even after learning Korean for the last 2.5 years it is still not enough, and it honestly did set me back a bit. But I have renewed motivation to become on par with native Koreans in the language. Still on my quest to improving, still taking lessons.

Also in 2015, I'm really going to try to fight for a plane ticket to Korea.

As always: I don't wish for a good year, I only wish to always have the strength to get back up.
Happy 2015 to the rest of you!