Posted at 12:40 AM 0 comments (+) It's so hard to live.

Trying is a fucking joke. I must have forgotten what 'trying' felt like when I said that I would try and give people a chance. How much does it take out of me to do something like trying, trying to connect, trying to fit in, trying to be happy like everyone else is. But to you, to others, it is, after all, nothing that important.

I tried, and then I remember why I stopped trying.
I am, after all, still better on my own.

I've been thinking if this goes in a cycle, because these days I feel too angry too much again. I feel like taking a blade to the wrist again. I'd thought that had all faded into nothingness, but then it all came back, all over again.

It's just so hard to live.
How do people expect me to do it, and do it happily when they keep pushing me? They're driving me into a corner, all of them. IT'S SO FUCKING HARD TO LIVE.

I may not say much, but I'm watching and I'm listening to all the bullshit that people say, trying to tell me they are so busy, they have no time for other things, how tired they are. God, I don't even know what. Then I scroll through my Instagram feed and there they all are, with their friends, boyfriends, celebrating birthdays, going out, eating good food. I know what they say, that people only show their highlights and nobody shows their lows but you see? I don't even have these highlights among the lows.

How do you expect me to keep going?

Friends, family, they are all the same. Exactly the same. Ridiculous and demanding and disappointing. The always put me second, third, god even knows where, but get mad at me when I don't put them first.
I don't even want to let anyone see any of my thoughts anymore. They don't deserve it, and I don't need mock concern. Just forget all about it.

I thought it was getting better. I thought I might be saved.

I have been fighting this on my own and I will keep fighting it on my own.
Who do you expect would understand, who do you expect would hurt for you, who do you expect would know... nah, never mind.