Thursday, July 9, 2015
Posted at 12:25 AM
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Last night, Singapore experienced a MRT breakdown of the biggest scale ever, where service for both EW and NS lines were down. Which really means that almost the entire island is more or less immobilised.
It was the evening peak period, nearly 8pm, and I was still in the office when I heard about the news from a colleague. I didn't think it was that bad at first, until I tried calling a cab and couldn't get through for an entire 15 minutes. I then decided to just walk to the bus stop outside the business park and take the direct bus home -- not my best route, because that bus takes too long, but at least I'd be moving.
The bus stop was a lot more crowded than usual, and every bus that came was packed right to the doors. None of the buses even stopped to allow boarding. After another 10 minutes or so, I went to the nearest shuttle bus stop in the business park and took the shuttle to JE. I saw the crowd even before I alighted and I thought there's no way I am even going near that mess.
It had already been a bad day prior to the breakdown. Lots of screw ups, and cleaning up after others at work all day. Naturally, I was quite frustrated because the breakdown was messing up my entire routine. It was already not early, and I still had to get home for dinner and all the works before having to go to bed. I had to be in the office again not even 12 hours later. I was mostly, just really weary.
I called home. My mother was asleep and my father, out. The cabs were still unreachable. I was literally stuck with no evident way of getting home any time soon.
In the end I just kind of gave up and sent a text to my mother, saying I'll eat out and see how the situation goes.
I went and had dinner alone, which was completely fine by me, but the waiter asked "Everything okay, ma'am?" when he served me my food, and I just kind of looked at him, briefly wondering if I appeared pathetic, or sad.
The MRT lines resumed service right when I was about done with dinner and then I got home fine.
It just kind of made me realise that there was not a soul I could actually rely on in times of need/distress. Not even my parents, who were just kind of "Oh, okay." when I told them I was stuck and had absolutely no way of getting home. My dad drives, but he didn't offer to pick me up until I was already well on the way home. I mean, I don't really blame anybody but? I just?
Work is sapping everything out of me. I stay in the office for about 12 hours everyday, longer on Fridays. I don't have time for anything, or anyone. I don't have enough time to sleep. I don't even have the time to think. I am trying so hard to feel okay about it, and about everything else. I keep telling myself I am capable of all these, I keep telling myself you're gonna be okay, you can do this at every end of the day.
I just really need people to not push me off this delicate balance I am trying so hard to maintain. I need people to please be gentle and stop aggravating me because I don't have the energy to deal with this. I try to be soft with my replies, cut the edges in my words and tone away so it wouldn't hurt them but then they don't think twice when they break me with theirs. I keep telling myself not to misdirect my anger or frustrations to innocent parties, take a deep breath and answer later. But it seems like nobody else is bothering to make the same effort because they are killing my spirit every time they do not try to understand me, or passive-aggressively suggest that I did not put in my best, or when they put me down and hold me to something which could not be helped anymore.
I don't know anymore if I have a bad temper because even though I get angry a lot I don't show it anymore.
Everything is just really kind of sad. I'm going to sleep now.
